Consumed

Well, I have completely neglected my blog for almost a month now. I'm ashamed of myself. The past month has been crazy. I finished up my two week notice at my job (I reniged on the 3-week notice). I start the new one tomorrow. I went to Tennessee for a week to visit my father, sisters and family. I came home and spent a week with my best friend since birth, who was visiting from Maryland. He stayed at my house, and we spent some good quality time together. He left on Friday, and today is Sunday.

Despite the many things I could talk about, I'm at a loss for words. Mostly because I'm consumed by one repetitive thought. Rather, one situation. It's a flurry of thoughts surrounding this situation, beating me to death slowly. My brain is exhausted. I can't focus on anything else. I have lost all enthusiasm for anything and everything else. It has consumed me. Obviously, I cannot go in to detail about this situation, because people who know me read this. As open as I have always been about my feelings, this is the first time, for as long as I can remember, that I cannot allow myself to reveal the thoughts in my head.

It's frustrating to not be able to confide in anyone. To not have any kind of relief from the constant struggle within. I keep hoping that with every passing day, it will get easier, that I will find some sort of resolution. Alas, nothing comes. With consciousness in the morning comes the situation, mocking my inability to come to a solid decision. It taunts me as I try to go on with my routine, interrupting every conversation, distracting me every second.

Oddly enough, the only comfort is knowing that no one else knows.... how strange that I yearn to be able to share, yet I do not want anyone to know?