Face Punch - it's back, baby!

It's 2011, and the Face Punch is back, ladies and gents.



I've had a gazillion comments from you guys telling me how much you loved - and now miss - the Face Punch posts.  I know a catered-to public is a happy public, and also I'm really in the mood to start bashing celebrities again.  So here we go...




Willow Smith
I know, I know, she's what - eight years old?  I can't help it though, because every time I hear that ridiculous, stupid, AWFUL song about whipping hair around, I just want to take the child, place her in an Amish home and leave her there for a good ten years or so.  I guess I should really be fussing at Momma and Daddy Smith, though.  ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD BABIES: Just because you're a child of celebrities does not mean you automatically have talent.  I'm almost afraid of what the Brangelina brood will attempt to do in the next few years.  Let me guess:  Shiloh will start a line of boyish-looking girl fashions, those boys will be a crime-fighting duo and the twins will have a relationship as uncomfortable to watch as Angie and her freakish brother.  Creepy.





Justin Bieber
He hasn't done anything terribly annoying as of late, but I just want to face punch him for taking up so much of the media for the past year.  I couldn't look at an issue of People magazine without seeing your stupid face, Bieber.  Oh, and doing compilations with other stars doesn't make you look cool, it makes them look pitiful.  They just want a piece of the pie.  Bieber fever, my a$$. And cut your hair, for crying out loud! You look stupid.







Reese Witherspoon
Now, 364 days of the year I have nothing but affection for Reese, but I was very much upset with her when I read that she's engaged to some agent guy after dating him for only ten months.  Um, Reese, you dated Gyllenhaal for like FOUR years and never even considered marrying that delicious piece of man, and now you want to marry average Joe?  I'm disappointed.  Now Jake has moved on to Taylor Swift, and she'll eventually be writing some annoying limerick about how Jake was so fake and can't make good cupcakes.  So two face punches to you:  1 for not hanging on to Jake, and 2 for the future song we'll all be subjected to.  For shame.





Jersey Shore Cast

I've never even watched this show, but I know I don't like it, and I know I never will like it.  Seriously, who has names like Snooki and JWoww?  I couldn't even watch MTV's New Year's Eve coverage because that Snooki chick was hosting.  One word:  trashy.  This is one trend I hope dies fast.  Like Superman fast. 

Heidi Spencer or Pratt or whatever her name is now

Just because I can.


Well that's all I've got for today, but I promise I'll make a genuine effort to do more Face Punch posts on a regular basis.  Love, peace and chicken grease, y'all!

Face Punch

Hey, y'all.  It's HUMP DAY, and I'm super-thrilled about it because after today I'm on Fall Break until next Monday from school.  Awesomeness. 

For my Face Punch topic today, I've picked something that is just completely appalling to me.  I was so disgusted and disappointed when I heard this story on Kidd Kraddick's show Monday morning.  I found the story that I knew would show up on MSNBC, which only made me more angry.

Here's the deal:

A Tennessee home caught fire after a man's grandson lost control of a fire he had going in the backyard.  The local firefighters were called, and they came to the scene but REFUSED TO PUT THE FIRE OUT. 

Why?

Because the man had failed to pay a $75 "fire coverage" fee. 

Are you kidding me? 

At first they wouldn't even respond to the 911 call, but then they realized the man's neighbors had paid their fees - of course they had to be on hand in case the fire spread to the covered residents. 

The man begged firefighters to put the flames out, telling them he'd pay whatever he had to, but they refused.  His home burned to the ground, and they lost three dogs and a cat. 

The state of Tennessee should be outraged at the county's poor handling of such a devastating situation.  I'd fire every single one of those firefighters, and the idiots in charge of the whole thing.  THEN I'd use state money to rebuild the damaged home. 

You, Obion County fire people, get a gargantuan face punch:

Face Punch

Today is a very special Face Punch.  I only have one person I'd like to punch today. 

One person who, for unknown reasons, decided to inflict pain upon herself and cause terror for an entire town.

Yep, acid girl.

Eww.

On August 30th Bethany Storro was seen by a witness falling to the ground and screaming in pain after - she initially told police - an unknown woman walked up to her and threw a cup of acid in her face.  Pictures of the poor victim were all over the news.  People were outraged, and locals were terrified that some crazy person was wandering around Washington throwing acid in random people's faces. 

Storro was interviewed by multiple news reporters and was even scheduled to appear on Oprah later this week.  Then, according to MSN, some discrepancies started making themselves known in Storro's story, and details weren't making sense (for example, why would a woman be wearing sunglasses in a parking lot at night?).   Storro broke down and confessed that she had PUT THE ACID ON HER OWN FACE. 

Acid.

On her face.

On purpose.

Can we say PSYCHO? No reason for this disturbing self-mutilation has been given, other than some odd mention of her insistance of faith being the focus.  What?  How does putting acid on your face have anything to do with faith? 

Personally, I think she wanted plastic surgery and decided if she were "attacked" she'd get a new face for free.  If it were me, I'm sure I could think of some other creative, much less painful way than acid. 

Because you're crazy AND stupid, you get a massive face punch - one so big I had to bring in Chuck Norris:

 I hope your new face looks worse than the octomom's.



Face Punch

First of all, I want to say

THANK YOU

to all of you sweet, wonderful people who left comments and gave much encouragement after my last post.  I sincerely appreciate all of you taking time out of your days to not only read my blog, but also comment frequently.  I'd make out with all of you if it wouldn't upset the hubs.


Secondly, I've been given the

AGAIN by the lovely Serena at I Left My Heart In London.  That's the third time this week.  It's so great to get recognition from people like you, Serena, as well as the others who have recently gifted me with awards.   This is for y'all:

Anyhoo, enough of the warm & fuzzy.  I've recovered from my exhaustion and found that I have plenty of energy to be annoyed today.  So let us begin with today's FACE PUNCH....

Lady Gaga

I know she's, like, EVERYONE'S favorite singer right now.  She's the twitter queen.  She's setting records and selling out concerts and will probably win every MTV VMA there is come September. 

So I did like "Bad Romance,"  but that's it.  The rest of it is all just terribly annoying to me.  I can't stand her ridiculous outfits, the hair, the makeup, the videos ALL over YouTube.

Basically my affection for Gaga has gone down the drain.  Our romance has gone bad, if you will.  (Hehe)  

Sorry Lady G, but you get a small face punch from me.  The only way to redeem yourself would be to scare Justin Bieber right out of the music business.  

Nascar

I've never liked Nascar.  Ever.  I don't understand at all why someone would want to watch fifity cars drive around in circles for hours on end.  Yeah, I get that the crashes are cool.  Still, that's not enough to convince me to watch. 

Nascar isn't pasted all over the news or anything, but I was unfortunate enough to overhear a thirty-minute conversation about it yesterday, and that was all it took for me to want to give them all a nice big face punch.

Speidi

I had to use this picture because it's proof that Heidi is a big fat liar.  Or, rather, a tiny, bleached-blonde plastic liar.  We all know they're attention whores.  We all know they'll fake a divorce just to get their pictures pasted all over magazine covers.  Basically, we all know they suck. 

I wish everyone would protest Speidi, just long enough for them to be banned forever from Hollywood, television, magazines and Entertainment Tonight. 

Government Officials and their spouses taking advantage of their positions by going on many unnecessary and frivolous vacations and calling them "visits to address situations"

I'm not naming any names (mostly because I don't want the CIA reading my blog.  They have no sense of humor), but there are some people  - who are high up on the importance list -  I feel are taking advantage of the free plane and accommodations set aside for political use, and instead using them for vacations. 

Now, it's true that if I had the opportunity, I'd probably want to take one or two trips to some exotic locations.  However, I would not take trips to places dealing with natural, ecological and other disasters with the front of a political visit, and instead go shopping and lay out. 

Just saying. 

So, teensy tiny face punch to you, unnamed people, because I want to continue to use my right of free speech via this blog.  Also, I don't want to be put on anyone's watch list. 

Face Punch

Happy Sunday everyone! I trust the weekend has been a wonderful and happy one for you all.  If not, don't worry - another one will come around again in five days. 

I'm in one heckuva great mood today, mostly because I start back at school on Wednesday.  Excited doesn't even begin to cover it. College sophomore at 26.  Man, I'm old.  Still, age can't rain on my parade!  Got my backpack, binders, paper, pens, highlighters.  I even bought some of those little colored tabs for important notes.  I'm like the professional student.  Don't be jealous - all items can be found at your local superstore. 

Anyhoo, sometimes even when it's a great day, people still need a good knock in the head.  Because let's face it, idiots are running rampant throughout this world.  An overabundance of stupidity, if you will.

In order to deal with the activities of so many morons, we have things like Face Punch.  Makes us feel as if we're taking back control.... one snide comment at a time. 

Today is mostly just venting frustration about things I'm SICK TO DEATH of hearing about.  Same stories over and over. And over.  Again.  So here we go...

Everyone and everything having to do with "The Hills"

Speidi.  That other Montag girl.  The Audrina-catfight-with-every-other-chick-on-the-show incidents.  I could really care less what you spoiled rich kids (with no idea about real life or responsibilities or work) are up to on a day-to-day basis.  "Did you see what happened last night on The Hills?"  No, I don't know and I DON'T CARE.  Go away.  I also don't care to see them on the cover of celebrity magazines.  I want to read about real celebrities.  You know, the ones who are famous for actually doing stuff.   (I had the same pet peeve about Paris Hilton.)

I think someone told me "The Hills" ended, so that's good.  Hopefully there are no more spinoffs. 


The (now single) dude who let his girlfriend get hit by a foul ball

What. A. Loser.   Even the announcer said, "Chivalry is dead."  Haha.

Okay, so I know dude didn't have a glove, but couldn't he man up and at least attempt to catch the ball instead of cowering away like a little girl and letting his obviously not athletically-inclined gf get drilled?

They were interviewed on one of those morning shows afterwards and it was quite obvious the girl had already dropped this dork like a bad habit.  I don't blame her. 

Dude, you get a face punch just for needing to grow a pair. 

Brett Favre

First, dude was too old to play for the NFL about seven years ago. 
Second, the whole "I'm retiring.....no wait, maybe not.......you know what?  Yeah I am........Well, maybe next year...."  crap is getting annoying, dude.  Either retire or don't.  If you retire, you'll be able to keep some of your dignity.  If not, you'll need hip replacement soon and just continue to make more of a mockery out of a career that used to be legendary.  At first it was slightly interesting, but now it's just sad. 





That's all I've got for today, because in addition to my already great day, my bestie Mo is coming to visit me tonight. 

YAY! 

And when we get together this is us:

except we don't actually chest bump, because I'm a chick.  Ow.
Hope y'all have a great rest of the day!

Buh-bye.

Face Punch

Today I'm only going to vent frustration over one celebrity, mostly due to the magazine covers I've seen lately and an article in US Weekly I read earlier this week.  This face punch might cause heated discussion, and I'm okay with that. 

The unlucky celebrity this week is

ANGELINA JOLIE

I know, I know.  This is not a Team Jen/Team Angie thing here.  My frustrations with this woman are based on her behavior and the examples she has set for her children. 

The article in US Weekly details Angelina's tactics for "stealing" Brad from Jennifer.  Sources were supposedly close friends of hers - which I realize aren't always the most valid sources - who recall her using Maddox to win Brad's affections, planning opportunities for paparazzi to catch Brad with her and various other trickeries.

When Brad and Jennifer first separated, Brad and Angie both swore repeatedly that they were not having an affair, Brad leaving had nothing to do with Angie, etc.  Then - surprise! - Brad is photographed on a beach with Angelina and Maddox (which was one of the supposed planned photo ops).  Jennifer is crushed, fans are shocked, hate mail comes pouring in. 

Later Brad and Angie both make remarks in interviews about how they fell in love while shooting Mr. and Mrs. Smith (when Brad and Jen were still together).  This lets their children know that if you want someone, it's okay to pursue them, even if they're already married. 

To watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith, even with Brad and Angie being good actors, the real chemistry between them is obvious.  Anyone who's ever been attracted to another person could tell that these two were hitting the sheets long before the film wrapped. 

Adding insult to injury, they further embarrassed Jen by setting up a photo shoot with W Magazine, portraying a happy 60s couple with blond-haired, blue-eyed Brad clones running around them. 

Even worse was that news broke about Angie's being pregnant with Shiloh before Brad's divorce from Jennifer was even finalized.  It was like Angelina was doing everything she could think of to sink her claws into Brad and make certain he wouldn't get away.  I wouldn't put it past her to have gotten pregnant on purpose.  I mean, seriously, she's crazy.   We're talking about the same woman who had questionable closeness with her brother.  Eww.

To be honest, most people weren't surprised with Angie's going after Brad.  After all, she's hooked up with practically every male costar she's ever had.  (Does anyone else remember the whole Billy Bob Thornton's blood in a vial around her neck fiasco?) 

Why Brad would even consider leaving America's Sweetheart was just beyond me.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I mean, sure, Angie's HOT.  That scene in Wanted when she gets out of the water and you can see her entire backside and all of those tattoos...

I totally went lesbian during that scene.  (Don't worry, it went away.)

But Jen?  Sweet, adorable Jen?

I've loved her since she first showed up in Friends wearing a wedding dress.  She's the girl every woman wants as a best friend.  She's sweet, fun, and totally hot too, as shown in her most recent GQ spread:

See?  Hotness.

So as I'm writing, I'm starting to think maybe I am taking sides here.  I can't help it though.  I love Rachel Green.  She's awesome!

Anyhoo, to make my point - which I so carelessly wandered away from, what with all of the naked pictures of the two sexiest women in the world - Angelina should be less concerned with proving to everyone that she and Brad are happy, and more concerned with the example she's setting for her children. 

I don't care how much goodwill work she does (although I give huge kudos to celebrities who actually care about world issues and put their fortunes to good use), if she doesn't instill good morals in her children, they'll grow up to be liars, adulterers and vindictive people. 

So, Angie, I'm giving you a small - but still effective - face punch.

Face Punch

Happy Saturday, people.  Did you sleep in this morning?

 I did.  It was everything I'd hoped it would be. 

Even though I had coffee this morning and am in a pretty great mood, today still feels like a face punch day. 

I figure you can punch faces and still be chipper.  Not to mention that if I were actually able to punch these people in the face, I'd find myself in an even more cheery mood afterward. 

So, in that spirit, here we go....

KANYE WEST

I know I'm going to have to get in line for this one, but this guy just grates my nerves.   

My first problem with you, Kanye, is that 99% of the time you look like an imbecile.  I know you think you're making fashion statements, but in reality you just look stupid.

My second problem is you thinking that just because you've made money as a singer, that means you're wise and we should all just do what you say, no questions asked.  The biggest example of this is the Taylor Swift fiasco that happened last year, although that wasn't the first time (and most likely not the last) you've made an ass out of yourself in public.  

The last and most important problem - to me, anyway - is that I don't like you.  I don't like your face, your voice, your music, any of it.  You are just a passing phase, and I'm hoping it will fade out quickly. 

LINDSAY LOHAN

I think at this point, you deserving a face punch is the general consensus.

You have had everything - and I mean everything  - handed to you on a silver platter since you were, what, twelve?  Fame, fortune, fans, and every other "f" word associated with being a celebrity.

Then you go and turn stupid.  Drunk driving, drug use, basic downward spiral.  Crash and burn.  It would be quite sad if you weren't so annoying.   You look like an Aerosmith roadie.  Wash your hair.  Put on some clothes that fit.  Maybe eat something once or twice a week. 

Of course, you'll have to make these adjustments after serving time in county lockup.  Maybe a big scary jailmate will face punch you and save me the trouble...

MEL GIBSON

Okay Mel, I've always been a fan of yours.  Loved you in Braveheart, What Women Want, Forever Young,  the Lethal Weapon movies, The Patriot, etc.  So many movies, so many years. 

Then you go and RUIN your reputation by going on racist rants - not once, but twice (that we know of) - in recent years.  What's the deal, Mel?  We all have prejudices, but we don't get drunk and ramble on about them when there's a camera present. Other than The Hoff, that is...

I just have to ask:  are you stupid?  I'm starting to think yes.  Well, we're past thinking.  I know you're stupid.  You've made me lose respect for you, and as such, you deserve a massive face punch. 

BP

You are a major disappointment.  Huge.  Monumental.  Massive.  FAIL. 

Obviously I can't say I want to face punch Mr. President, because then I'd have the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security and MSNBC tracking my blog, waiting for me to make verbal threats and discussing my ability (JUST KIDDING ) to turn household products into items that go boom.  So we'll just say tsk tsk to you, Obama.

As for you, you money-crazed, life-killing, coast-destroying, seafood ruining people:

GARGANTUAN FACE PUNCH.

There, now I feel better.