I did a guest post earlier this week for my bloggin pal JUMBLE MASH. The topic was "bucket list" and I changed the title to
CRAP I ABSOLUTELY INSIST ON DOING BEFORE I BITE THE BIG ONE
Sounds better, yes?
So, here are the things that I really really really really really want to do before heading off to heaven to kick it with Jesus.
1. Punch Justin Bieber in the face. (I’ll have to wait a few years since he’s still a child, but I’m willing to wait. I’m also pretty sure I’ll still want to punch him in the face in three years.)
2. Stalk Johnny Depp (effectively) and consequently have a restraining order filed against me. (I’d so have that thing framed and hanging on my wall.)
3. Make out with Craig Ferguson, Mark Harmon and Ryan Reynolds.
4. Write a tell-all involving three A-list celebrities.
5. Spend a weekend in Vegas with Jim Carrey.
6. Sneak into Kristen Stewart’s home at night and write funny dirty words on her forehead while she’s sleeping.
7. See Aerosmith in concert. Preferably before Steven Tyler needs hip replacement.
8. Go out in public wearing nothing but 90s attire (spandex, neon shirt, faded denim jacket, white socks scrunched down and high tops that light up. Oh yes, and a scrunchie in my big frizzy hair.)
9. Walk through a drive-thru and actually be allowed to order food.
10. Give an emotional, encouraging speech in front of a large crowd and have it followed by the kind of applause that starts with one guy clapping really slowly, then people start to join in until everyone is standing, clapping and nodding.
11. Hire a band to follow me around all day providing music to go along with the various events of my day.
12. Have brunch (with mimosas) with John Cusack. Optional post-brunch make-out session allowed.
13. Join the mile-high club. Preferably on an international flight. Preferably in the middle of the day. Preferably with a handsome foreign stranger (it doesn’t count as cheating if you’re flying over water. I looked it up).
14. Win a karaoke contest with my rendition of “Endless Love.”
15. Be in the audience for a “Friends” reunion. And chill with the cast afterwards. And make out with Ross. Or Joey. Aw, hell, I’d even make out with Chandler.
I know this isn’t your typical bucket list, but honestly, who really cares if I write a poem or have my novel published or travel to Paris? Nobody. It’s the weird stuff you get remembered for. So, the next time you see a chubby chick streaking across the screen during an NFL game, look closely, because it just might be me.