Saturday, July 17, 2010

Love Letter to Gibbs

Dear Mark,

First, can I call you Gibbs? I'm sure you don't mind. So I'll start again.

Dear Gibbs (ahhh),

It all started many years ago. I was a very young girl the first time I saw you. I turned the television to HBO - back when it came free with cable - and a movie called "Summer School" was on.

There you were: handsome, charming and funny as you dealt with misfit kids and chased after Kirstie Alley. Not only did you have a rockin' bachelor's pad on the beach, you had a dog, too. All it took was one of those heart-stopping grins and I was smitten kitten.

Yes, I said smitten kitten.

You made appearances here and there, on shows and in films. I was happy to see you on St. Elsewhere as Dr. Bobby Caldwell for a few years, but then you got HIV from whoring around - it's okay, I forgive you - and eventually died.

After that I stalked you via magazine - hello People's Sexiest Man Alive 1986 - and television. I watched you portray a serial killer and Cybill Shepherd's love interest (why would you do something like that?!). Then, thankfully, you returned to the medical field a la Chicago Hope.

Thank you Jesus for scrubs. YUM.


Anyhoo, I didn't see you for a few years, and I must admit I wasn't terribly distraught - what with college, boys and work to keep me busy. I confess my attentions did meander a bit to the likes of Justin Timberlake, Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Reynolds and Johnny Depp. Before you get upset, let me reassure you that the feelings I felt for them didn't even remotely compare to the love and affection I feel for you. I moved on, but never forgot you...

Then, one day out of the blue, there you were:

Leroy. Jethro. Gibbs. In all of your gray - ie: SEXY - hair and gorgeous glory. CBS gave me the best present ever and made you the main man of NCIS. Not only that, but you're a single man. Sure, you'll hook up with a red-headed chick here and there, but nothing serious. I'm all for the casual roll in the hay, just as long as I don't have to see it.

I see you week after week, solving murders and whacking those crazy kids DiNozzo and McGee in the back of the head. On a rare occasion you'll give that million dollar mega-watt smile and my heart will melt all over again.

I know our love will never be more than just admiration from afar, although I have told my husband repeatedly that if the opportunity ever presented itself, I'd drop him in a heartbeat to be with you. He's cool with it.

So with all of that being said, I shall end this letter with a promise. Keep being Gibbs, and I'll keep being your creepy, way younger but still smitten kitten - yes, I said it again - fan,


Friday, July 16, 2010

Fantabulous Friday! (Chicka chicka yeah)

That's right, people.  It's FRIDAY.  Woop woop.  Time to hang out with our thang out.

Just kidding.

I love Fridays, not because they're a prelude to my most favorite day, and not because they signify the end of the work week.

No?  Then why do I love Fridays, you ask?

Well,  I love Fridays because on this day, the second-best day of the week, I will share with you a few people/places/foods/things that make my list of the MOST FANTABULOUS in the world.  Well, my world at least.

Some of you may be thinking "Cheesy mac?  How is that fantabulous?" Just to prove my point, I've listed a few reasons:
1.  It's cheesy - which in and of itself is awesome.
2.  It's the best broke food there is.  Trust me, I'm poor.  I've had a LOT of broke food.
3.  Where else can you find pouches of cheese powder?  Not that I condone any use of the cheesy   
     powder not specified on the box...
4.  Honestly, who doesn't like saying "cheesy mac"?  Nobody. 

I rest my case.


That's right, ladies (and some men).  Look at him.  You know you want to.  Whether he's Gilbert Grape, Raoul Duke, Ichabod Crane, Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter or Edward Scissorhands, it makes no difference.  He's too sexy for his shirt.  Yes indeedy.  One of the most FANTABULOUS men to ever walk the planet. 

3. DVR

If it weren't for this baby, think of all the mindless hours I'd miss sitting in front of the tube.  Besides, it rectifies the mistakes of the two idiots who put my beloved Gibbs on at the same time as American Idol.  Now I can drool over Gibbs for an hour, then go back in time and watch Randy Jackson say "it was a little pitchy, dawg" for an hour.  Not to mention the bajillion episodes of Ace of Cake that come on every single day. It's a win-win situation.  Correction - it's a FANTABULOUS situation.  (You liked that one, didn't you?)


Not only was she hilarious as Rose on The Golden Girls for nearly a decade, but she rocked as Ryan Reynold's G-maw in The Proposal and was EPIC on Saturday Night Live a few months ago.  This chick is the epitome of fantabulous.

That's all for today, kids.   

Peace out!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Face Punch

I'm in a particularly grumpy mood today because I woke up to discover that there is absolutely no coffee in my house. None.

Ain't it grand?

In honor of this terrible day - and my stellar mood - I've decided to give a rundown of people I'd like to punch in the face, if given the opportunity. Not people I actually know, because then I'd be forced into confrontations, and who wants to do that with no coffee?

First up:

Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, aka Creepy Angelina Jolie look-alike.  Somewhat.  If she had her head turned a certain way.  And the lights were off. 

Having a ridiculous amount of children is one thing; doing it to be a celebrity is another.  You, Octomom, would get a giant punch in the face.

Next we have:
 Speidi.   The biggest paparazzi whores that ever were.   These attention-seeking divas fake break-ups and make ups just to get their names back in the Hollywood gossip columns.  He's an ass clown and she's mostly plastic now, and I hate them both. 
*ass clown : a prick, who is also a jackass (just in case you didn't know)

And then there was:

Borat.  I know to the majority of the world he's this hilarious personality, but I can't stand him.  Hate the accent, hate the dialogue, hate everything about him.  I also hate Sacha Cohen's other alter-ego, Bruno. (Although I did get a kick out of him landing in Eminem's face last year. That was pretty funny.)

Followed by:
 Justin Bieber.  First, CUT YOUR HAIR.  You look stupid.  Second, what's with the peace signs in every other photo?  You're not cool enough to pull it off.  The only people cool enough to pull off repeated peace signs are Quentin Tarantino and the late Michael Jackson. So stop it, already.  Third, you're what, twelve?  Stop singing about heartbreak and being so in love with a girl.  You don't know what love is.  You probably haven't even hit puberty yet.  P.S. When you finally do, that whiny girl voice of yours will disappear.  MUAH HAHAHAHAHAHA.  So, tiny face slap to you because I don't want to go to jail.

I guess I'm finally running out of steam, or maybe all of the pretend face-punching is therapeutic.  Either way, I'll punch no more faces today.

Unless the chick at Starbucks gets my white chocolate mocha cappuccino wrong... 

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Guilty Pleasure Confessions....OR Reasons I'll lose all of my followers

Yes, ladies and gents, it's time for a little soul-searching, deep, dark secret-telling slumber party discussion. Let's talk about guilty pleasures. Obviously I have to go first, but you have to promise you won't tell my mom.

Pinky swear?

Okay. Let's do this.

There are some things I take a great deal of pleasure in, and of course the most pleasurable things are the ones you can't share with others. If you did, they'd know you were cheesy, a nerd, a whore, et cetera. However, I think it's healthy to admit such things to our friends. If we can't share our love of Justin Bieber (not really), then what good is our friendship? Besides, having to keep it secret just makes it that much better, right?

NOTE: If you have an affection for cross-dressing prostitutes, animal sex, Martha Stewart and/or necrophilia, this is not the time to divulge. Sorry. Tell your therapist about it on Friday.

First up:

That's right, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No I do not have a lesbian crush on them. Well, maybe a little one. I do love their movies though. Every single coming-of-age, teen crush, feel good movie they've made. Love 'em all. My favorite is Winning London.

Moving on...

Playing dress-up Barbie with my daughters.

I know this isn't that big of a deal, a lot of women play dress up with their daughters. My secret is that I persuade my daughters to play with their barbies so I will have the excuse to play too. Did the same thing with my little sisters before they grew out of the doll phase.

Un-following me yet? No? Let's continue...

N'Sync. I love them, even still. I remember the first time I ever saw Justin Timberlake and company. They sang "I Want You Back" on an episode of TRL. I took one look at that curly blonde hair and those beautiful eyes and declared to my sister, "I'm going to marry him!" (Hey, give me a break; I was 13.) I bought every magazine with their picture in it, bought the N'Sync VHS of them in concert and watched it until it stopped playing altogether. I entered every N'Sync-related contest - I even won once; the prize was a heart-shaped cd that played three versions of "Tearin' Up My Heart" AND an autographed picture of them. (You're jealous as hell right now, aren't you?) I even saw them in concert.

All these years later, I'll be driving down the road and get an urge to belt out the group's pop songs at the top of my lungs. Even with untinted windows, you ask? You betcha.

Now I'm starting to worry that I'll wake up tomorrow and have zero followers again, so I'll share one more, but that's it...

Secret Life of the American Teenager and Make it or Break It

This is one of the hardest guilty pleasures for me to admit. I always feel guilty - literally - for watching it, like God would be disappointed in my wasting entire hours of my life on these whiny, bitchy, premarital-sex-having kids. Half of the time I'm yelling at the television because some of the characters are so idiotic or slutty. Regardless, every week I tune in to watch teenage angst as portrayed by beautiful, pimple-free kids.

With the above confessions now made public for all the world to see, I would feel SO much better if some of you - my loyal followers - would share a guilty pleasure or two, forever uniting us in the bonds of embarrassment.

Anyone? Anyone?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Accidental Text = Entertainment

Yesterday I was minding my own business, texting friends and playing Frontierville on Facebook (It's a sad addiction. They should have Apps Anonymous for people like me). Suddenly I get one of those texts that let you know it's someone on yahoo messenger or some text app for iPhone. I open the message and it's from a girl who I am quite positive I do not know. We'll call her Jane and the intended recipient Joe. This is the initial message (NOTE: I will be using said girl's exact spelling. This is to help you form an educated opinion.):

Jane: Heeeeeeeeey , Mister Fly ,(:

Now, obviously I am not a man, and no one refers to me as Mister Fly - at least not to my face. I text my buddy Mo. "I know I should tell her she's got a wrong number, but now I'm really curious as to why a male would have the nickname 'Mister Fly.'" His suggestion: play this out. I'm bored, so I figure why not. Here you have our conversation:

Me: Who's mister fly?
Jane: Yuuuu , Rememberrr ?
Me: Refresh my memory.
Jane: Joee ! Yuuuur soo stupiiiiid !
Me: Just humor me. Tell me a story.
Jane: Huh ? Hahahahahahaa .

After that last response I realize she has no idea what the phrase "humor me" means, which implies that she's A) an idiot, or B) someone under the age of 13 (I'm being generous here). Let's continue...

Me: Why do you call me mister fly?
Jane: Nvm !
Me: Please?
Jane: No ,

And since I could NOT stop myself, I said:

Me: Don't you love me anymore?
Jane: Uhmmm , ?

Now I'm thinking that I may have just made things a tad uncomfortable for poor Joe the next time he sees Jane. Oh well. I can't just do this thing halfway.

Me: Come on, Jane.
Jane: Idkkk .
Me: Why not?
Jane: I DUNNO .

About three minutes pass, then

Jane: ohh , yes I do .(:
Me: That's better. Now will you tell me why you call me mister fly?
Jane: Yeah , do yuu lovee mee !?

Okay, I know this is morally wrong. To toy with the emotions of some Hannah Montana-loving, teeny bopper tween is possibly damaging to her emotional stability. However, I have nothing better to do at the moment and my friends are getting a good laugh out of it. Plus I still haven't learned why she calls him Mister Fly. Thus, I continue.

Me: That depends.
Jane: FROG ?
Me: Details please.
Jane MisterFly ;
Me: Well that's not details.
Jane: Uhmmm , idr.

What does "idr" mean? I still haven't found someone who can explain that. "I don't remember" maybe?

Me: Please, Jane! Tell me the story of how I came to be Mister Fly.
Jane: idr , ! i promise .
Me: Well that's disappointing.
Jane: gtg chherr
(cheer?) , ttyl (I know that one).

Ah, so the plot thickens. She's a cheerleader. I would say that explains so much, but I have friends who are former cheerleaders, and I love them deeply and would like to keep them as friends. So, her being a cheerleader had no impact whatsoever on my opinion.

Jane disappeared into the night, and I never solved the mystery of Mister Fly. A few friends speculated about the meaning (never zips his fly, sexual references, maybe he's slimy, etc.), but we never came to a solid conclusion.

So, waste of a good half hour. Oh well, at least I was entertained.

On a side note, if you know anyone who actually spells like this, please take them to an English teacher immediately. I beg you. There isn't a cure for stupidity, but together we can find a way.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Movie Delight Monday!

In lieu of offering some frail attempt at excitement about this most despised of days, I will simply say

'Sup, y'all?

So here's the dealio:

I realized this morning that I've posted at least once a day for the past SIXTEEN DAYS. Shocking, I know. In the hopes of continuing this impressive (to me, at least) trend, I decided that maybe I'll be less likely to run out of blog topics if I have some recurring themes. Mondays are always the bane of my existence, and as such my corresponding mood causes for blogger's block. Hence, MOVIE DELIGHT MONDAYS.

You don't have to say it, I know it's brilliant.

This is how it's going to work: every Monday will be dedicated to reviewing movies that are from before 2000. I will cover movies that I feel are under-appreciated for whatever reasons and try to convince you wonderful people to see it ASAP. I encourage you to comment on the movies - whether you love them, hate them, have never seen them - but also to recommend some of your favorite movies from yesteryear that you think are worth sharing. Sound good? Good. So here we go with our first ever MOVIE DELIGHT MONDAY review....

Once Bitten

We all know the 80s affection for vampires, werewolves and all things mythical were on the side of cheese, but that's okay because we loved it. This 1985 teen sex movie was poorly written, and director Howard Storm obviously needed firing, but it's an opportunity to see a young, not-yet-famous Jim Carrey in action.

Young Mark Kendal is frustrated with his frigid girlfriend Robin because she won't put out (ah, teenage love). A night on the town finds our embarrassingly virginal Mark in a tempting situation with a (much) older but still smokin' Lauren Hutton. Add liquor to bad decisions, and you have yourself a teenage vampire.

Hilarity ensues as old lady vamp stalks new teen vamp all over town in effort to save herself from turning into really old lady vamp. Meanwhile, wholesome girlfriend can't figure out why boyfriend is suddenly so distracted, pale and has no reflection.

Despite the obvious problems with this film, Carrey is endearing and fun to watch. Supporting actor Cleavon Little offers a great deal of comic relief as well, so pay attention to his innuendos and facial expressions in his many short scenes.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

That's What She Said: An appreciation for the double entendre

I have a dirty mind. It can't be helped. If there is an opportunity for something said to be taken the wrong way, my brain will be one of the first ones there. It's really not my fault, what with years of American Pies, Scary Movies and National Lampoons forced upon me (not to mention the Porky's trilogy from the seventies!). Add to that my accompanying dear old dad to work two weeks a year since age twelve - he worked with 12 men, all of whom were single except for three - and it was inevitable.

Out of all of the possible ways one can be dirty-minded, my absolute favorite is "that's what she said" moments. Maybe I appreciate them more because they can't be planned. It's spur-of-the-moment, quick thinking opportunity. I love it.

Most people think the TWSS phenomenon was started on The Office. Sorry Michael Scott fans, but it was first coined during the filming of a Hitchcock film. Originally "as the girl said to the soldier" or "said the actress to the bishop," the phrase changed over time to today's fad. TWSS made mainstream appearance again in the Wayne's World films. The use of the phrase died out in pop culture until the creation of The Office.

As a fun little treat for you, I've decided to post some of the best "that's what she said" lines I've seen in tv shows and movies, as well as instances that have happened to myself and friends.

1. "The smell doesn't really bother me, it still tastes good."
2. "Just stick it in the back if there's room."
3. "Oh man, you got me right in the face."
4. "The last time I went down there I couldn't find it."
5. "Just put it anywhere you want."
6. "Man, my knees hurt really bad!"
7. "Are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding this."
8. "You're doing it wrong!"
9. "Wait for me!"
10. "Okay, just sit on it for a day and see what happens."
11. "It's stuck!"
12. "You might have to take it out and put it back in again."
13. "Do you have a big one?"
14. "It burns!"
15. "Come again?"

On a side note, let me just say that if you happen to experience a "that's what she said" moment in front of your grandmother - no matter how good it is - do not say it. You don't want to waste an hour of your life trying to explain it to someone who just will not get it. Trust me, I've tried.

Sexy Nerds

So we all appreciated Ryan Reynolds naked in The Proposal, Matthew McConaughey in every movie he's ever made and Collin Farrell shirtless in American Outlaws. Today, however, I'd like to take a moment to honor the movie nerds I've come to love.

Patrick Dempsey as Ronald Miller in "Can't Buy Me Love"
I know he's McDreamy now, but back in the day he made a super-cute nerd. I'd ride his lawnmower any day.

Rick Moranis as Seymour Krelborn in "Litte Shop of Horrors"
Poor Seymour just wanted to be a successful florist and win the affections of ditzy, abused Audrey. At least he could sing. Somewhat.

Anthony Michael Hall in any John Hughes film
Anthony is the epitome of the 80s nerd. Smart, innocent, gullible and totally sexy.

Michael Cera
Whether he's Bleeker in Juno or Evan in Superbad, Michael Cera's boy-next-door, unaware persona is so sweet you just want to take him home to Momma.

Paul Rudd as Josh in "Clueless"
My very first movie crush. Ever.

Alan Ruck as Cameron Frye in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
When Cameron was in Egypt's land....Let my Cameron go.

Harold Ramis as Egon in "Ghostbusters"
Parapsychologist saving the world with the likes of Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd.

Brendan Fraser as Elliot Richards in "Bedazzled"
The devil gypped him for a hamburger. LOVED him in this film.

Jay Baruchel as Kirk in "She's Out of My League"
This character is by far one of my favorite nerds. Witty, sarcastic and general good guy.