Saturday, July 23, 2011

Vacation time

Beginning tomorrow, for an entire week this will be me:

A preview of me, only my toes will have aqua nail polish.  ;)

Tanning, reading a few good books, playing in the sand with my kids, laughing with my family and having a fabulous time. 

I've got a single post scheduled for next week, just in case you miss me terribly.  Later taters!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Abnormal News Day

Okay, we've heard about the heat wave sending everyone indoors for the comfort of A/C, and we've heard all about every miserable piece of news there is right now in the world.  Instead, I'd like to take a moment to enjoy the news that doesn't make front page, but is worthy of watercooler chat in offices everywhere.  First up:

Lorena Bobbitt Meets Kitchen Appliance

Here's the scene:  Bob and Jane are getting a divorce.  Jane calls Bob to invite him over for dinner to discuss how they'll divide the assets.  Bob agrees, but about halfway through dinner he starts feeling odd.  He passes out, then awakens a few hours later, tied to a bed.  Before Bob can panic, Jane reveals a 10-inch knife, which she uses to CUT.OFF.HIS.PENIS. 


Then, for good measure, she throws the severed member into the garbage disposal and turns it on. 

Apparently she suddenly developed a conscience, though, because she called 911 to aid the bleeding man.  Her reason?  "He deserved it." 

Now, I've said to Hubs on more than one occasion that if he ever decided to put his vehicle in another woman's garage I'd go Lorena on him, but we both know I could never do something so disgusting.  Break it, maybe.  But sever it?  No way.

According to the article, pieces of the penis were removed from the disposal and taken to the hospital, though it was unknown if doctors had been able to put humpty dumpty back together again.  Poor dude. 

Today's lesson:  Don't marry crazy.  It will eventually turn on you. 

Next up:

(Note: Most of the stories in  MSN's Weird News section today are about sex for some reason, so don't blame me.)

Deadly Bear Owner Chokes to Death on - you guessed it - Sex Toy

You can't make this stuff up.

So dude made the news last year after one of his bears mauled a caretaker to death.  A very sad event which troubled dude greatly.  Unfortunately, his grief could not ebb his extra-curricular urges.

A teenage employee found dude face down in his water bed (people still have those?!) with a leather mask over his head, eyes and mouth zipped shut, bound to the bed by chains and padlocks.   Further investigation revealed a sex toy lodged in dude's throat.  Cause of death:  asphyxiation.   Unfortunately that's not what most people will remember about him.  Sure, they'll say "Yeah, dude suffocated."  But what they'll discuss in greater detail is the fact that dude was a FREAK. 

Chains?  Padlocks?  Leather mask with zippers?  Water bed?  Sheesh.  This dude made the cross-dresser from Silence of the Lambs look almost normal.   (It puts the lotion in the basket!)

Obviously dude had help getting into those padlocked chains.  No assistant has come forth, however, so police are trying to figure that one out. 

I think that's enough abnormal for one day, don't you?  Now go out and share these with your friends.  They'll thank you for it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Blahbety blah.

Hey guys.  It's Tuesday, which means we've gotten past Monday, and Hump Day lies before us.  Tuesday is kind of like Switzerland:  nobody loves it, but nobody hates it.  Unless, of course, Glee and American Idol are in season.  Then it becomes a holiday of sorts.  Personally, I can't wait until September, when Saturday will become my favorite day for the next four and half months.  Football baby, it's all about the football. 

Anyhoo, I don't have any brilliant thoughts to share with y'all today, nor any witty lists or tales for you.  Just wanted to say hi.  So hi.

P.S.  I'm on Twitter now.  Yep, I'm a twit.   Come find me!  @Jess_bigdeal

Also, as I mentioned the other day, Big Deal now has a Facebook page as well.  Come like me so I can pretend I'm one of the popular girls at school.  Not Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club popular, but somewhere between Patrick Dempsey in the beginning of Can't Buy Me Love and Judge Reinhold in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.   That'll do. 

Monday, July 18, 2011

Movie Delight Monday

That's right.

This devil of a day has returned for vengeance.

Unbeknownst to manic Monday, we have an antidote to her hellish ways. Yes, indeedy, it's time for


I know, you're ecstatic.

In accordance with my rebellion, I have popped myself a bag of movie butter popcorn (it's so good!), and will now share with you one of my most favorite 80s gems:

Just One of the Guys

The first time I ever saw this movie, I thought Joyce Hyser was quite possibly the coolest chick on the planet. Not only was she brave enough to chop off her hair, but she also went into the BOYS' BATHROOM! Eww. (Think 12-year-old mentality.)

Summary: hot chick Terry wants to be a writer, but her sexist journalist teacher chooses a boy over her for a piece to be published in local paper. Anger provokes hot chick to cut off hair, dress like a boy and attend a separate school in order to have her piece published. Uncomfortable situations and hilarity ensue.

Lead Hyser isn't the greatest actress, but you'll get surprising pleasure from watching shy guy Rick ("male" Terry's only friend) morph into confident cutie throughout the film. His sarcasm is pretty entertaining as well. Another one to watch is Terry's little brother Buddy. He's the average horny teenage virgin, only witty.

WARNING TO PARENTS: Adult language, content and one scene of nudity.

Movie treat: Character Greg Tolan is none other than badass Johnny Lawrence of The Karate Kid films.

That's all for today, kids!

Happy Monday. Heh.