Face Punch

Hey, y'all.  It's HUMP DAY, and I'm super-thrilled about it because after today I'm on Fall Break until next Monday from school.  Awesomeness. 

For my Face Punch topic today, I've picked something that is just completely appalling to me.  I was so disgusted and disappointed when I heard this story on Kidd Kraddick's show Monday morning.  I found the story that I knew would show up on MSNBC, which only made me more angry.

Here's the deal:

A Tennessee home caught fire after a man's grandson lost control of a fire he had going in the backyard.  The local firefighters were called, and they came to the scene but REFUSED TO PUT THE FIRE OUT. 

Why?

Because the man had failed to pay a $75 "fire coverage" fee. 

Are you kidding me? 

At first they wouldn't even respond to the 911 call, but then they realized the man's neighbors had paid their fees - of course they had to be on hand in case the fire spread to the covered residents. 

The man begged firefighters to put the flames out, telling them he'd pay whatever he had to, but they refused.  His home burned to the ground, and they lost three dogs and a cat. 

The state of Tennessee should be outraged at the county's poor handling of such a devastating situation.  I'd fire every single one of those firefighters, and the idiots in charge of the whole thing.  THEN I'd use state money to rebuild the damaged home. 

You, Obion County fire people, get a gargantuan face punch:

Face Punch

Today is a very special Face Punch.  I only have one person I'd like to punch today. 

One person who, for unknown reasons, decided to inflict pain upon herself and cause terror for an entire town.

Yep, acid girl.

Eww.

On August 30th Bethany Storro was seen by a witness falling to the ground and screaming in pain after - she initially told police - an unknown woman walked up to her and threw a cup of acid in her face.  Pictures of the poor victim were all over the news.  People were outraged, and locals were terrified that some crazy person was wandering around Washington throwing acid in random people's faces. 

Storro was interviewed by multiple news reporters and was even scheduled to appear on Oprah later this week.  Then, according to MSN, some discrepancies started making themselves known in Storro's story, and details weren't making sense (for example, why would a woman be wearing sunglasses in a parking lot at night?).   Storro broke down and confessed that she had PUT THE ACID ON HER OWN FACE. 

Acid.

On her face.

On purpose.

Can we say PSYCHO? No reason for this disturbing self-mutilation has been given, other than some odd mention of her insistance of faith being the focus.  What?  How does putting acid on your face have anything to do with faith? 

Personally, I think she wanted plastic surgery and decided if she were "attacked" she'd get a new face for free.  If it were me, I'm sure I could think of some other creative, much less painful way than acid. 

Because you're crazy AND stupid, you get a massive face punch - one so big I had to bring in Chuck Norris:

 I hope your new face looks worse than the octomom's.



Abnormal News Day

Normally I just pick one abnormal news story, but there are a few different stories that caught my attention this morning.  The kind of stories that make you do the head-tilt and "Say what?" noise.  You know, like dogs do. 

Just go with me on this.

Anyhoo, from cooking cats to plants growing inside the body, it's been a busy week in the weird news world.  So sit back, relax, have a cup 'o joe with a bagel, and enjoy.


Police discover cat "marinating" in car trunk

(I know, my first thought was "huh?" as well.)

According to MSN, a New York cop was performing a routine traffic stop when he heard meowing coming from the offender's trunk.  Further inspection led to the discovery of dude's adorable cat in a cage, covered in oil, crushed red peppers and chili peppers. 

I wish I had been there for the interrogation that followed.

Dude says his cat is ill-tempered, so as punishment he planned to COOK his cat.  Like a meal.  To eat. 

WHAT?!

Aside from the obvious questions, one particular stood out:

If you were going to cook the cat for eating purposes, wouldn't you shave his hair off first?

Just a thought. 

Thankfully the cat was rescued, cleaned and put up for adoption.  Vegans only need apply, please.


Woman uses diaper in traffic beef

The chick in this story takes road rage to a whole new level.

While leaving a county fair, two women got stuck in traffic, and for reasons unknown got into a dispute.  One of the women decided the best way to make her point would be to get down 'n dirty.  Literally.

She took a dirty diaper - from where, I'm not sure - and smeared baby poop all over the other woman's windshield.

I'd say she won that argument.  She was, however, charged with harrassment. 


Oxford says no to "faboosh" words

Been waiting patiently for words like "cankles" and "tanorexia" to show up in the Oxford English Dictionary so you'll have permission to use them in that English essay about the difference between Kirstie Alley and George Hamilton? 

Too bad.

According to Oxford's senior assistant editor Fiona Mooring, current slang will not be included in the OED until there is sufficient evidence of their usage, preferably in published writings over a period of time.

A few examples of words that have yet to be accepted:

Chimping: the action or practice of immediately reviewing each shot taken using a digital camera (I do that.)

Chin-strap: a type of beard, shaped in a narrow strip along the jawline

Faboosh: fabulous

Flashpacking: luxurious backpacking

Twetiquette: Twitter etiquette

So, if you're hoping to see OMG, IDK, chillax, and other text-talk or slang words show up in the dictionary, don't hold your breath.  It'll be a good decade or two. 

Until then we'll just have to stick with Urban Dictionary.


Moving on...


Plant grows in man's lung

This story is just beyond bizarre. 

Dude is eating dinner.  Let's say it's baked chicken.  As a side, he has green peas.  One of those little guys decides to go down the wrong pipe and settles in dude's lung.  Pea then over time begins to GROW into a pea PLANT inside dude's LUNG. 

WHAT?!

See the video below.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

You'll think twice before hoovering your peas next time, won't you? 

I will.

That's all the abnormal news for today, kids!

In case I don't see ya....

good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!

(I may make this my "signature"...)

Great, now the tweens are giving us life advice

Apparently grown ups have a lot to learn about life, and who better to educate us than superstar megastar pop sensation famous dude Justin Bieber? (I just can't work up the appropriate enthusiasm.)

According to MSN, "Bieber fever" has run amok throughout the world, and as such has provoked the be-bopping dwarf to write a memoir.

Of his life.

All sixteen years of it.

Publisher HarperCollins says the book will entail his "amazing journey to stardom." Wow, I wonder what wisdom the great Justin will impart on us all?

Hair tips?

No thanks, we've got Zac Efron for that.

RAWR.

Dance moves?

Already been done by Justin, Usher and Britney.

Yummy.                      Pre-crazy.                     Yummy.

Life on the road?

If I wanted to hear about the life of someone on tour, it would be Aerosmith, Guns 'n Roses, Pantera, etc. NOT someone who's still in Nickelodeon's viewing range.

It's The Man, man.

Love advice?

Ha.ha.ha.ha.

I can't help but ask, when does the madness stop?! I mean really. A MEMOIR. By a TEENAGER. What could he possibly tell us about? His curfew? Mom making him clean his room between concert tours and interviews? Maybe he'll tell us all about the crush he has on his babysitter.

If we could all just stop, sit a moment and think, I'm sure we'd all see how completely ridiculous this is. Well, most of us already know how ridiculous this is. It's the stupid people - people like whoever came up with the term "Bieber fever" - who need convincing.

I'd also like to meet the idiot who came up with this brilliant idea. You, sir (and let's be honest, we know this was a man's idea), would get a massive face punch. However, today is not Face Punch Day, so you're safe. For now...

To be continued.......

Abnormal News Day

Looks like there's a new type of terrorist in town: ants.

Yes, the little bugs that live in mounds and eat your food at picnics.

According to ecologist Mark Moffett, he has proof that some ants are "suicide bomber" ants. 

I know, I was shocked too.  

Supposedly these ants are fed up with the insect government and have begun strolling into bug banks and schools with sticks of dynamite strapped to their chests. 

I kid. 

What this genius did was find a tree that was home to these angry ants.  He set a trap for other ants by spreading honey along the trunk.  Then he waited.

And waited.

Finally another species of ant and his buddies caught wind of the honey and decided to wander up the tree to find the source.  The first ant made it out alive, but only barely.  To quote the scientist: "That one would live another day."  How dramatic.  The second ant - an idiotic fellow - wandered up the tree next and got a wee bit too close to crazy ant. 

Crazy ant went all ninja and made herself "detonate,"  effectively killing her and the unfortunate dummy as well.  Our scientist was quick-draw McGraw and got a picture of the massacre. 

The yellow stuff is toxic

Dr. Brilliant described the scene: "Just as I clicked the shutter there was a splash of yellow, and both ants were immobilized in a sticky, grotesque tableau." 

Indeed. 

Moffett goes on to describe other species of ant that have the ability to flatten their heads, kill off entire groups of themselves at a time, and make their limbs detach at will.

So, next time you come across an ant, BEWARE.  They just might blow snot on you. 

You can read the entire article here .

If E.T. shows up, we'll be ready. Well, not really...

While perusing MSN this morning, a headline caught my attention: 

"How prepared are we for an alien invasion?"

Really?  On MSNBC, this is considered a top story.  Of course I just had to read the article.

So here's the dealio:

Chinese government is looking into unidentified flying objects that interrupted 18 flights last week.  Obviously, it had to be aliens.

Because of this incident, the writer thought of a question he deemed brilliant (cough -crazy person- cough).  His question:  Do we have an alien-contact contingency plan?

I know, I laughed too. 

First, who comes up with a name like that for a plan?  I'd call it "ET texting plan" or "Alien conversation plan."  (Okay, maybe those aren't the best names, but it's early and I've only had one cup of coffee.  Give me a break.)

According to our conspiracy theorist dependable news source, the U.S. Government actually has a plan in the event of alien contact.  I'm just going to quote the article here, because I couldn't write a summary any funnier than it already is:

"The protocol, adopted in 1989, is that if someone detects a radio signal seemingly indicating that we're not alone, he should get in touch with SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) researchers, who will help him verify whether the signal is really and truly evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. At that point, he should notify the International Astronomical Union as well as the United Nations and relevant research organizations. On the finders-keepers principle, the discoverer would get to make the first public announcement, but data should be made available to the international scientific community. (Source coordinates, however, would be kept secret, to avoid a situation in which anyone with a radio telescope could start up a conversation.) The next step would be figuring out whether a response signal were warranted and, if so, what message to send—a process that would involve not just scientists but other experts and government appointees. Probably something very simple would be best, like numbers in binary code."


Finders-keepers principle?   Man, I love our government. 

Add a clip from a television show and a quote from Stephen Hawking, and our writer is convinced that if we ever actually do encounter aliens, it will be the prelude to a war that we will effectively lose.  Hurrah. 

Although he did use the term "guerilla warfare," so I have to give at least a little street cred. 

I say if aliens ever show up, we just call Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman in to handle it. 

"Now that's what I call a close encounter." 

Abnormal News Day

I read regular news every day, and it's just entirely too depressing. Natural disasters, economic depression, murder, war, blahbety blah.

Sheesh.

Makes you seriously consider want to lock your doors and just stay inside. As long as you have satellite television, a cell phone and internet access, anyway.

And, of course, Doritos and sour cream.*

Which I do.

Thankfully, MSNBC provides a "Weird News" section to their website, and it has become my favorite news source. This giant corporation actually pays people to travel the world, searching for 911-dialing dogs, two-headed animals and really hairy men. It's fantabulous, really.

So, this morning as I was reviewing the weird news of the world, it was brought to my attention - via the large print and slide-show preview to the right of the page - that MSN actually does Weird Science Awards. No. Freaking. Way.

Well, of course I have to share my discovery with you. (I won't show all award-winners here, but check the link at the bottom of this post and it will direct you to MSNBC's page.) Off we go...

BREAKING NEWS:
In a German zoological vote, it has been deemed acceptable for homosexual penguins to adopt and raise babies.


Not really. You did make one of those WHAT?! faces after reading that though, didn't you?


Story goes like this: momma penguin hatches egg but wants to focus on her career and daddy penguin is a dead-beat, so they abandon baby penguin. Concerned for the fetus, zookeepers take a chance and place egg in cage of a known gay penguin couple.

That's right, folks. Gay penguin couple.


And how do they know said penguins are Boy George-ing it? Well apparently the boys were caught trying to mate. Naughty, naughty.


As was hoped, the happy couple incubated the egg for a month, then proceeded to care for the newborn penguin after it hatched.


(I'm not making this stuff up. Well, maybe the part about mom penguin and dad penguin, but the rest is true.)

Apparently scientists have found a way to grow bunny....ahem....parts. (Yes, the x-ray picture above is, in fact, a hare's one-eyed monster.)

I was a tad confused by this one, because 1) aren't there already enough reproducing rabbits in the world? and 2) can't a few competent males handle the existence of baby bunnies everywhere? I mean, the phrase "hump like rabbits" must have had some literal reference.

Either way, cheers to you, Bugs Bunny. Getcha some.

Researchers in Nevada discovered a blob (no, not the Blob. I just wanted to use that picture) of substance-dripping rock just hanging out about 50 miles beneath the surface. It's supposedly 60 miles wide, but scientists aren't concerned with it busting through the ground and taking over Las Vegas. At least, that's what they want us to think....

After decades of believing da Vinci's muse Mona Lisa to be a shy and somewhat unwilling model, a new discovery has us reconsidering. It looks like miss Mona was actually a foxy little thing. Supposedly hidden for almost a century within the walls of a library, the above painting shows a topless model bearing striking resemblance to the famed painted lady.

If these piqued your interest, be sure to check out the 69ing bats, glow-in-the-dark puppies and other abnormalities at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34712701/ns/technology_and_science-science

*If you've never tried Doritos and sour cream, I suggest you stop reading immediately, get in your car, drive to the nearest store, buy some and try it. It will ROCK.YOUR.WORLD.