Face Punch

Happy Saturday, people.  Did you sleep in this morning?

 I did.  It was everything I'd hoped it would be. 

Even though I had coffee this morning and am in a pretty great mood, today still feels like a face punch day. 

I figure you can punch faces and still be chipper.  Not to mention that if I were actually able to punch these people in the face, I'd find myself in an even more cheery mood afterward. 

So, in that spirit, here we go....

KANYE WEST

I know I'm going to have to get in line for this one, but this guy just grates my nerves.   

My first problem with you, Kanye, is that 99% of the time you look like an imbecile.  I know you think you're making fashion statements, but in reality you just look stupid.

My second problem is you thinking that just because you've made money as a singer, that means you're wise and we should all just do what you say, no questions asked.  The biggest example of this is the Taylor Swift fiasco that happened last year, although that wasn't the first time (and most likely not the last) you've made an ass out of yourself in public.  

The last and most important problem - to me, anyway - is that I don't like you.  I don't like your face, your voice, your music, any of it.  You are just a passing phase, and I'm hoping it will fade out quickly. 

LINDSAY LOHAN

I think at this point, you deserving a face punch is the general consensus.

You have had everything - and I mean everything  - handed to you on a silver platter since you were, what, twelve?  Fame, fortune, fans, and every other "f" word associated with being a celebrity.

Then you go and turn stupid.  Drunk driving, drug use, basic downward spiral.  Crash and burn.  It would be quite sad if you weren't so annoying.   You look like an Aerosmith roadie.  Wash your hair.  Put on some clothes that fit.  Maybe eat something once or twice a week. 

Of course, you'll have to make these adjustments after serving time in county lockup.  Maybe a big scary jailmate will face punch you and save me the trouble...

MEL GIBSON

Okay Mel, I've always been a fan of yours.  Loved you in Braveheart, What Women Want, Forever Young,  the Lethal Weapon movies, The Patriot, etc.  So many movies, so many years. 

Then you go and RUIN your reputation by going on racist rants - not once, but twice (that we know of) - in recent years.  What's the deal, Mel?  We all have prejudices, but we don't get drunk and ramble on about them when there's a camera present. Other than The Hoff, that is...

I just have to ask:  are you stupid?  I'm starting to think yes.  Well, we're past thinking.  I know you're stupid.  You've made me lose respect for you, and as such, you deserve a massive face punch. 

BP

You are a major disappointment.  Huge.  Monumental.  Massive.  FAIL. 

Obviously I can't say I want to face punch Mr. President, because then I'd have the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security and MSNBC tracking my blog, waiting for me to make verbal threats and discussing my ability (JUST KIDDING ) to turn household products into items that go boom.  So we'll just say tsk tsk to you, Obama.

As for you, you money-crazed, life-killing, coast-destroying, seafood ruining people:

GARGANTUAN FACE PUNCH.

There, now I feel better.

Fantabulous Friday

That's right, baby.  It's FRIDAY (chicka chicka yeah)  yet again.  I'm psyched.  Are you?

Of course you are. 

My weekend plans are already fantabulous - despite a potential hurricane - and, as such, today is fantabulous. Expectation can be such a mood booster. 

So today (and every Friday, as per last week's post) I will present you with some of what I consider the most FANTABULOUS things/people/foods/places in the world. 

Are you ready for this? 

Here we go.

1.  Friends reruns

This particular episode depicted in the picture is one of my favorite episodes of Friends.  Ever. (The one with the embryos)

It doesn't matter how many times I've seen Ross, Rachel and Joey moving the couch up the stairs with Ross screaming, "Pivot! Pivot! PIVOT!"  I still laugh hysterically.  I've seen the series all the way through at least four times, not counting the hundreds of episodes I've watched on TBS (very funny).

Friends is also great therapy when you're having a bad day (or week).  It's hard to not be in a good mood after watching a few episodes.
 
Now that I've mentioned Friends,  I may have to blog about my favorite episodes sometime soon..... (Note to self.)

2. Pad Thai

 If you've never tried Thai food (or if you have and found it too spicy) I insist you try Pad Thai.  I was iffy about even going to a Thai restaurant, but last summer my bestie insisted I didn't know what I was missing.    Well, since my motto is to try everything once, I had no choice.  Mo recommended the chicken pad thai.  I took one bite, and it was magical.  The sky opened up and light shone down from Heaven.  Angels began to sing softly while little butterflies and fairies flew around sprinkling glitter on my head. 

Okay, maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but close.  I ended up going back again the next day. 

You can also buy the make-your-own boxes of it at grocery stores.  All you need to add is an egg, bean sprouts and the meat of your choice.  It's not too spicy, but still has the Thai flavor to it.  I could live on this stuff alone.  It's delicious.  Nay, it's FANTABULOUS.

3. Michael J. Fox

I started thinking about this eternal optimist yesterday after (finally) watching Teen Wolf for the first time - thanks Sara for recommending it - and how incredibly awesome this dude is. 

Of course, he's cool because he's been Marty McFly, Alex Keaton, Dr. Benjamin Stone (in Doc Hollywood, one of my favorite MJF movies) and even Stuart Little -the voice, not the mouse.

What makes him fantabulous is the way he's dealt with Parkinson's disease.  He's been determined to continue working, as well as raise awareness and money for research on his illness (See his Foundation for Parkinson's Research website here.)  He's got the warmest personality, and even if you've never met him, to watch him on television or in movies is to feel like you know him. 

Right on, Scott Howard.  Right on. 


4..  Demotivational Posters

From sarcastic to raunchy (and even sometimes really offensive), these pictures can keep you entertained for a good hour.  Even longer if you're at work.

I wish there was an iPhone app for these things.  (Maybe there is....I should get on that ASAP.)

If you get bored, search "demotivational posters" on Google. The best I've seen are "mooseknuckle" and anything related to Chuck Norris, emo or ugly.  Please check it out.  You won't be sorry!



I couldn't come up with more today because.....well, honestly, do you people think I have nothing better to do than write blogs? 

Okay, so usually I don't have anything better to do.  Tomorrow is an exception, though - going to see The Wedding Singer musical with three FANTABULOUS girlfriends of mine! - and I'm way too excited to think about much else.  You'll forgive me later, I know you will.  At least I hope so.  If not, I can always buy presents...

If E.T. shows up, we'll be ready. Well, not really...

While perusing MSN this morning, a headline caught my attention: 

"How prepared are we for an alien invasion?"

Really?  On MSNBC, this is considered a top story.  Of course I just had to read the article.

So here's the dealio:

Chinese government is looking into unidentified flying objects that interrupted 18 flights last week.  Obviously, it had to be aliens.

Because of this incident, the writer thought of a question he deemed brilliant (cough -crazy person- cough).  His question:  Do we have an alien-contact contingency plan?

I know, I laughed too. 

First, who comes up with a name like that for a plan?  I'd call it "ET texting plan" or "Alien conversation plan."  (Okay, maybe those aren't the best names, but it's early and I've only had one cup of coffee.  Give me a break.)

According to our conspiracy theorist dependable news source, the U.S. Government actually has a plan in the event of alien contact.  I'm just going to quote the article here, because I couldn't write a summary any funnier than it already is:

"The protocol, adopted in 1989, is that if someone detects a radio signal seemingly indicating that we're not alone, he should get in touch with SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) researchers, who will help him verify whether the signal is really and truly evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. At that point, he should notify the International Astronomical Union as well as the United Nations and relevant research organizations. On the finders-keepers principle, the discoverer would get to make the first public announcement, but data should be made available to the international scientific community. (Source coordinates, however, would be kept secret, to avoid a situation in which anyone with a radio telescope could start up a conversation.) The next step would be figuring out whether a response signal were warranted and, if so, what message to send—a process that would involve not just scientists but other experts and government appointees. Probably something very simple would be best, like numbers in binary code."


Finders-keepers principle?   Man, I love our government. 

Add a clip from a television show and a quote from Stephen Hawking, and our writer is convinced that if we ever actually do encounter aliens, it will be the prelude to a war that we will effectively lose.  Hurrah. 

Although he did use the term "guerilla warfare," so I have to give at least a little street cred. 

I say if aliens ever show up, we just call Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman in to handle it. 

"Now that's what I call a close encounter." 

Abnormal News Day

I read regular news every day, and it's just entirely too depressing. Natural disasters, economic depression, murder, war, blahbety blah.

Sheesh.

Makes you seriously consider want to lock your doors and just stay inside. As long as you have satellite television, a cell phone and internet access, anyway.

And, of course, Doritos and sour cream.*

Which I do.

Thankfully, MSNBC provides a "Weird News" section to their website, and it has become my favorite news source. This giant corporation actually pays people to travel the world, searching for 911-dialing dogs, two-headed animals and really hairy men. It's fantabulous, really.

So, this morning as I was reviewing the weird news of the world, it was brought to my attention - via the large print and slide-show preview to the right of the page - that MSN actually does Weird Science Awards. No. Freaking. Way.

Well, of course I have to share my discovery with you. (I won't show all award-winners here, but check the link at the bottom of this post and it will direct you to MSNBC's page.) Off we go...

BREAKING NEWS:
In a German zoological vote, it has been deemed acceptable for homosexual penguins to adopt and raise babies.


Not really. You did make one of those WHAT?! faces after reading that though, didn't you?


Story goes like this: momma penguin hatches egg but wants to focus on her career and daddy penguin is a dead-beat, so they abandon baby penguin. Concerned for the fetus, zookeepers take a chance and place egg in cage of a known gay penguin couple.

That's right, folks. Gay penguin couple.


And how do they know said penguins are Boy George-ing it? Well apparently the boys were caught trying to mate. Naughty, naughty.


As was hoped, the happy couple incubated the egg for a month, then proceeded to care for the newborn penguin after it hatched.


(I'm not making this stuff up. Well, maybe the part about mom penguin and dad penguin, but the rest is true.)

Apparently scientists have found a way to grow bunny....ahem....parts. (Yes, the x-ray picture above is, in fact, a hare's one-eyed monster.)

I was a tad confused by this one, because 1) aren't there already enough reproducing rabbits in the world? and 2) can't a few competent males handle the existence of baby bunnies everywhere? I mean, the phrase "hump like rabbits" must have had some literal reference.

Either way, cheers to you, Bugs Bunny. Getcha some.

Researchers in Nevada discovered a blob (no, not the Blob. I just wanted to use that picture) of substance-dripping rock just hanging out about 50 miles beneath the surface. It's supposedly 60 miles wide, but scientists aren't concerned with it busting through the ground and taking over Las Vegas. At least, that's what they want us to think....

After decades of believing da Vinci's muse Mona Lisa to be a shy and somewhat unwilling model, a new discovery has us reconsidering. It looks like miss Mona was actually a foxy little thing. Supposedly hidden for almost a century within the walls of a library, the above painting shows a topless model bearing striking resemblance to the famed painted lady.

If these piqued your interest, be sure to check out the 69ing bats, glow-in-the-dark puppies and other abnormalities at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34712701/ns/technology_and_science-science

*If you've never tried Doritos and sour cream, I suggest you stop reading immediately, get in your car, drive to the nearest store, buy some and try it. It will ROCK.YOUR.WORLD.

Eeeek! (The tale of the rebel rodent)

It all started on a humid Louisiana evening. 

A man and woman were sitting together in the den, watching movies and chatting about the events of their day.  The children were playing in their bedroom, giggling and squealing with delight at their toys and imaginations.  Nothing could have prepared them for what was about to take place....

Suddenly, and without warning -as these things usually happen - the husband saw movement out of the corner of his eye.  He turned his head swiftly in the direction of the motion, but saw nothing. 

"Did you see that?" he asked his wife as he stared towards the kitchen.  She paid him little mind; he often imagined things.  "It was probably nothing," she replied, then turned her attention back to the television.  After a moment he shrugged, thinking maybe he'd imagined it after all.   He started to watch the movie again, but another sudden movement had him glancing back to the kitchen, and he saw it.....

Terrifying.  Awful.  Evil.

"It's a mouse!" The man jumped up and pointed.  Immediately he had his wife's attention. She leaned over, peering into the kitchen, waiting to see the horrible creature. 

They waited......and waited.   Right as she was about to give up, there it was!

She saw it.  The round ears.  The long, thin tail.  The dark, tiny nose. 

"Kill it!" she screamed, and her husband jumped up bravely, prepared to defend his wife and children from the terrible menace that had invaded their home. 

Unfortunately for him, mice are small and extremely fast.  The mouse scurried under the oven, and has yet to be seen or heard from again.  Still, the husband keeps vigilant watch, waiting for the day when he will come face to face with the intruder, and end this once and for all...

True story.