Abnormal News Day

Okay, we've heard about the heat wave sending everyone indoors for the comfort of A/C, and we've heard all about every miserable piece of news there is right now in the world.  Instead, I'd like to take a moment to enjoy the news that doesn't make front page, but is worthy of watercooler chat in offices everywhere.  First up:

Lorena Bobbitt Meets Kitchen Appliance

Here's the scene:  Bob and Jane are getting a divorce.  Jane calls Bob to invite him over for dinner to discuss how they'll divide the assets.  Bob agrees, but about halfway through dinner he starts feeling odd.  He passes out, then awakens a few hours later, tied to a bed.  Before Bob can panic, Jane reveals a 10-inch knife, which she uses to CUT.OFF.HIS.PENIS. 

Ouch.

Then, for good measure, she throws the severed member into the garbage disposal and turns it on. 

Apparently she suddenly developed a conscience, though, because she called 911 to aid the bleeding man.  Her reason?  "He deserved it." 

Now, I've said to Hubs on more than one occasion that if he ever decided to put his vehicle in another woman's garage I'd go Lorena on him, but we both know I could never do something so disgusting.  Break it, maybe.  But sever it?  No way.

According to the article, pieces of the penis were removed from the disposal and taken to the hospital, though it was unknown if doctors had been able to put humpty dumpty back together again.  Poor dude. 

Today's lesson:  Don't marry crazy.  It will eventually turn on you. 

Next up:

(Note: Most of the stories in  MSN's Weird News section today are about sex for some reason, so don't blame me.)

Deadly Bear Owner Chokes to Death on - you guessed it - Sex Toy

You can't make this stuff up.

So dude made the news last year after one of his bears mauled a caretaker to death.  A very sad event which troubled dude greatly.  Unfortunately, his grief could not ebb his extra-curricular urges.

A teenage employee found dude face down in his water bed (people still have those?!) with a leather mask over his head, eyes and mouth zipped shut, bound to the bed by chains and padlocks.   Further investigation revealed a sex toy lodged in dude's throat.  Cause of death:  asphyxiation.   Unfortunately that's not what most people will remember about him.  Sure, they'll say "Yeah, dude suffocated."  But what they'll discuss in greater detail is the fact that dude was a FREAK. 

Chains?  Padlocks?  Leather mask with zippers?  Water bed?  Sheesh.  This dude made the cross-dresser from Silence of the Lambs look almost normal.   (It puts the lotion in the basket!)

Obviously dude had help getting into those padlocked chains.  No assistant has come forth, however, so police are trying to figure that one out. 


I think that's enough abnormal for one day, don't you?  Now go out and share these with your friends.  They'll thank you for it.