Sunday, January 2, 2011

Face Punch - it's back, baby!

It's 2011, and the Face Punch is back, ladies and gents.

I've had a gazillion comments from you guys telling me how much you loved - and now miss - the Face Punch posts.  I know a catered-to public is a happy public, and also I'm really in the mood to start bashing celebrities again.  So here we go...

Willow Smith
I know, I know, she's what - eight years old?  I can't help it though, because every time I hear that ridiculous, stupid, AWFUL song about whipping hair around, I just want to take the child, place her in an Amish home and leave her there for a good ten years or so.  I guess I should really be fussing at Momma and Daddy Smith, though.  ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD BABIES: Just because you're a child of celebrities does not mean you automatically have talent.  I'm almost afraid of what the Brangelina brood will attempt to do in the next few years.  Let me guess:  Shiloh will start a line of boyish-looking girl fashions, those boys will be a crime-fighting duo and the twins will have a relationship as uncomfortable to watch as Angie and her freakish brother.  Creepy.

Justin Bieber
He hasn't done anything terribly annoying as of late, but I just want to face punch him for taking up so much of the media for the past year.  I couldn't look at an issue of People magazine without seeing your stupid face, Bieber.  Oh, and doing compilations with other stars doesn't make you look cool, it makes them look pitiful.  They just want a piece of the pie.  Bieber fever, my a$$. And cut your hair, for crying out loud! You look stupid.

Reese Witherspoon
Now, 364 days of the year I have nothing but affection for Reese, but I was very much upset with her when I read that she's engaged to some agent guy after dating him for only ten months.  Um, Reese, you dated Gyllenhaal for like FOUR years and never even considered marrying that delicious piece of man, and now you want to marry average Joe?  I'm disappointed.  Now Jake has moved on to Taylor Swift, and she'll eventually be writing some annoying limerick about how Jake was so fake and can't make good cupcakes.  So two face punches to you:  1 for not hanging on to Jake, and 2 for the future song we'll all be subjected to.  For shame.

Jersey Shore Cast

I've never even watched this show, but I know I don't like it, and I know I never will like it.  Seriously, who has names like Snooki and JWoww?  I couldn't even watch MTV's New Year's Eve coverage because that Snooki chick was hosting.  One word:  trashy.  This is one trend I hope dies fast.  Like Superman fast. 

Heidi Spencer or Pratt or whatever her name is now

Just because I can.

Well that's all I've got for today, but I promise I'll make a genuine effort to do more Face Punch posts on a regular basis.  Love, peace and chicken grease, y'all!


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so glad the face punch is back. It's seriously one of my favorite things =)

  2. I missed face punches! I nearly died over your Swift limerick, so awesome!

    Also, I think my brain turned to mush when I watched Willow Smith's music video. Hideous.

  3. omg yesss....Willow Smith annoys the hell out of me.

  4. "Now Jake has moved on to Taylor Swift, and she'll eventually be writing some annoying limerick about how Jake was so fake and can't make good cupcakes."

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was golden. And I think we should round up all "famous" reality stars and drop them in a volcano. Who's with me?


  5. Jess..I'm a Face Punch virgin...I love it !!! Hed, I'll pitch in gas money to get them there.

  6. Hahaha! I was all ready to defend Reese for a second until I read your description. That was AWESOME!

  7. Beiber needs a face punch big time! But I cant even utter that out loud here, cuz my 10 year old is OBSESSED with him right

  8. Love it!!! Although I have to admit, I put Jersey Shore in one of my "Sick of Them Saturday" posts and now I actually watch the show. It is a total guilty pleasure, although I do feel more intelligent after listening to Snooki speak. Also can't stand Willow Smith's song!!