Face Punch - it's back, baby!

It's 2011, and the Face Punch is back, ladies and gents.



I've had a gazillion comments from you guys telling me how much you loved - and now miss - the Face Punch posts.  I know a catered-to public is a happy public, and also I'm really in the mood to start bashing celebrities again.  So here we go...




Willow Smith
I know, I know, she's what - eight years old?  I can't help it though, because every time I hear that ridiculous, stupid, AWFUL song about whipping hair around, I just want to take the child, place her in an Amish home and leave her there for a good ten years or so.  I guess I should really be fussing at Momma and Daddy Smith, though.  ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD BABIES: Just because you're a child of celebrities does not mean you automatically have talent.  I'm almost afraid of what the Brangelina brood will attempt to do in the next few years.  Let me guess:  Shiloh will start a line of boyish-looking girl fashions, those boys will be a crime-fighting duo and the twins will have a relationship as uncomfortable to watch as Angie and her freakish brother.  Creepy.





Justin Bieber
He hasn't done anything terribly annoying as of late, but I just want to face punch him for taking up so much of the media for the past year.  I couldn't look at an issue of People magazine without seeing your stupid face, Bieber.  Oh, and doing compilations with other stars doesn't make you look cool, it makes them look pitiful.  They just want a piece of the pie.  Bieber fever, my a$$. And cut your hair, for crying out loud! You look stupid.







Reese Witherspoon
Now, 364 days of the year I have nothing but affection for Reese, but I was very much upset with her when I read that she's engaged to some agent guy after dating him for only ten months.  Um, Reese, you dated Gyllenhaal for like FOUR years and never even considered marrying that delicious piece of man, and now you want to marry average Joe?  I'm disappointed.  Now Jake has moved on to Taylor Swift, and she'll eventually be writing some annoying limerick about how Jake was so fake and can't make good cupcakes.  So two face punches to you:  1 for not hanging on to Jake, and 2 for the future song we'll all be subjected to.  For shame.





Jersey Shore Cast

I've never even watched this show, but I know I don't like it, and I know I never will like it.  Seriously, who has names like Snooki and JWoww?  I couldn't even watch MTV's New Year's Eve coverage because that Snooki chick was hosting.  One word:  trashy.  This is one trend I hope dies fast.  Like Superman fast. 

Heidi Spencer or Pratt or whatever her name is now

Just because I can.


Well that's all I've got for today, but I promise I'll make a genuine effort to do more Face Punch posts on a regular basis.  Love, peace and chicken grease, y'all!

Accidental Text = Entertainment

Yesterday I was minding my own business, texting friends and playing Frontierville on Facebook (It's a sad addiction. They should have Apps Anonymous for people like me). Suddenly I get one of those texts that let you know it's someone on yahoo messenger or some text app for iPhone. I open the message and it's from a girl who I am quite positive I do not know. We'll call her Jane and the intended recipient Joe. This is the initial message (NOTE: I will be using said girl's exact spelling. This is to help you form an educated opinion.):

Jane: Heeeeeeeeey , Mister Fly ,(:

Now, obviously I am not a man, and no one refers to me as Mister Fly - at least not to my face. I text my buddy Mo. "I know I should tell her she's got a wrong number, but now I'm really curious as to why a male would have the nickname 'Mister Fly.'" His suggestion: play this out. I'm bored, so I figure why not. Here you have our conversation:

Me: Who's mister fly?
Jane: Yuuuu , Rememberrr ?
Me: Refresh my memory.
Jane: Joee ! Yuuuur soo stupiiiiid !
Me: Just humor me. Tell me a story.
Jane: Huh ? Hahahahahahaa .

After that last response I realize she has no idea what the phrase "humor me" means, which implies that she's A) an idiot, or B) someone under the age of 13 (I'm being generous here). Let's continue...

Me: Why do you call me mister fly?
Jane: Nvm !
Me: Please?
Jane: No ,

And since I could NOT stop myself, I said:

Me: Don't you love me anymore?
Jane: Uhmmm , ?

Now I'm thinking that I may have just made things a tad uncomfortable for poor Joe the next time he sees Jane. Oh well. I can't just do this thing halfway.

Me: Come on, Jane.
Jane: Idkkk .
Me: Why not?
Jane: I DUNNO .

About three minutes pass, then

Jane: ohh , yes I do .(:
Me: That's better. Now will you tell me why you call me mister fly?
Jane: Yeah , do yuu lovee mee !?

Okay, I know this is morally wrong. To toy with the emotions of some Hannah Montana-loving, teeny bopper tween is possibly damaging to her emotional stability. However, I have nothing better to do at the moment and my friends are getting a good laugh out of it. Plus I still haven't learned why she calls him Mister Fly. Thus, I continue.

Me: That depends.
Jane: FROG ?
Me: Details please.
Jane MisterFly ;
Me: Well that's not details.
Jane: Uhmmm , idr.

What does "idr" mean? I still haven't found someone who can explain that. "I don't remember" maybe?

Me: Please, Jane! Tell me the story of how I came to be Mister Fly.
Jane: idr , ! i promise .
Me: Well that's disappointing.
Jane: gtg chherr (cheer?) , ttyl (I know that one).

Ah, so the plot thickens. She's a cheerleader. I would say that explains so much, but I have friends who are former cheerleaders, and I love them deeply and would like to keep them as friends. So, her being a cheerleader had no impact whatsoever on my opinion.

Jane disappeared into the night, and I never solved the mystery of Mister Fly. A few friends speculated about the meaning (never zips his fly, sexual references, maybe he's slimy, etc.), but we never came to a solid conclusion.

So, waste of a good half hour. Oh well, at least I was entertained.

On a side note, if you know anyone who actually spells like this, please take them to an English teacher immediately. I beg you. There isn't a cure for stupidity, but together we can find a way.