Thursday, July 15, 2010

Face Punch

I'm in a particularly grumpy mood today because I woke up to discover that there is absolutely no coffee in my house. None.

Ain't it grand?

In honor of this terrible day - and my stellar mood - I've decided to give a rundown of people I'd like to punch in the face, if given the opportunity. Not people I actually know, because then I'd be forced into confrontations, and who wants to do that with no coffee?

First up:

Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, aka Creepy Angelina Jolie look-alike.  Somewhat.  If she had her head turned a certain way.  And the lights were off. 

Having a ridiculous amount of children is one thing; doing it to be a celebrity is another.  You, Octomom, would get a giant punch in the face.

Next we have:
 Speidi.   The biggest paparazzi whores that ever were.   These attention-seeking divas fake break-ups and make ups just to get their names back in the Hollywood gossip columns.  He's an ass clown and she's mostly plastic now, and I hate them both. 
*ass clown : a prick, who is also a jackass (just in case you didn't know)

And then there was:

Borat.  I know to the majority of the world he's this hilarious personality, but I can't stand him.  Hate the accent, hate the dialogue, hate everything about him.  I also hate Sacha Cohen's other alter-ego, Bruno. (Although I did get a kick out of him landing in Eminem's face last year. That was pretty funny.)

Followed by:
 Justin Bieber.  First, CUT YOUR HAIR.  You look stupid.  Second, what's with the peace signs in every other photo?  You're not cool enough to pull it off.  The only people cool enough to pull off repeated peace signs are Quentin Tarantino and the late Michael Jackson. So stop it, already.  Third, you're what, twelve?  Stop singing about heartbreak and being so in love with a girl.  You don't know what love is.  You probably haven't even hit puberty yet.  P.S. When you finally do, that whiny girl voice of yours will disappear.  MUAH HAHAHAHAHAHA.  So, tiny face slap to you because I don't want to go to jail.

I guess I'm finally running out of steam, or maybe all of the pretend face-punching is therapeutic.  Either way, I'll punch no more faces today.

Unless the chick at Starbucks gets my white chocolate mocha cappuccino wrong... 


  1. This was hysterical, thank you so much for providing that entertainment for me!

    Oh yeah, can you explain to me why Octomom is wearing a Skanky Santa costume while posing with her kids?! I've missed that photo until now...

  2. It was her Christmas postcard last year.

    I know.

    It was also in People magazine around that time, and I remembered it because it made me uncomfortable. "Okay kids, just ignore mommy in lingerie. No big deal." Creepy.

  3. I've heard that Justin Bieber's voice is actually starting to crack.

    So, that should cheer you up some.

  4. This is great and the fact that Justin Bieber's voice is starting to crack just made my day, thank you both.

  5. I agree with all of those, but I'd have a few hundred more on my Great job!

  6. Haha, the Justin Bieber bit cracked me up. And I totally agree with you, just looking at him grates at my very soul.