Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Stepford Wife

We had a massive storm come through, and it was like the Wizard of Oz weather (only without the tornadoes and flying houses).  For a second I thought maybe there was a hurricane and everyone forgot to tell me.  We lost power, and I'm just chillin on the couch in the dark, sweating my a$$ off because it's August in Louisiana. 

Anyhoo, my mind's wandering, and somehow I go from thinking about the movie I was in the middle of when the power cut off (Porkys, by the way) to Katie Holmes.  Don't ask me how, because I have no clue...

I've always liked Katie.  Even when she was a moody, sullen teen on Dawson's Creek I still thought she was cute and semi-likable.  Later she grew up and seemed like a well-put-together, kind and fun adult.  Then one day out of the blue I see a magazine cover of her making out with Tom Cruise.  Hello, TomKat.
I was like WHAT?! It just seemed so odd to me, for a number of reasons:

First:  She's like three feet taller than him.  And the chick is always wearing heels, so make it three and a half feet taller.

Second:  He's old enough to be her dad (or even possibly a great uncle).  Creepy. 

Third:  I know he's Tom Cruise, but she's still out of his league.  I mean really, the dude's a weirdo. 

Don't get me wrong.  I used to like Tom.  Back when he was in Risky Business, Top Gun, A Few Good Men, he was cool.  I even thought he was slightly good-looking.  Then he started getting strange.  Made some weird movies, began with the whole scientology promotional tour, etc.  Something was awry, so to speak. 

So all of a sudden cutesy Katie Holmes is smitten kitten with creepy old Tom Cruise.  And they're making out. Everywhere.  Like the king and queen of Hollywood PDA.

Literally, it was getting ridiculous.  It was almost like they were trying to prove to everyone that they were actually a couple.  Which lead me to believe that maybe this was some sort of a scheme.

Soon after Katie is interviewed in a magazine and is asked about Tom.  She says something about how when she was a kid she had posters of him on her walls and she had the biggest crush on him and now she's dating him and how awesome is that....  All I could think was eww.

Then Tom goes on Oprah and is just SO SUPER EXCITED because he's found the love of his life and he wants to tell everyone about how he's brainwashed romanced Katie and he just LOVES HER SO MUCH.

Can we say crazy and a little bit uncomfortable?  I bet Oprah was thinking what the hell is this dude doing?  Is he going to jump on me?  Where's security?

Before we can even stop talking about that whole fiasco, news breaks that they're engaged.  After only dating for a few weeks. 

Curiouser and curiouser....

Then - SURPRISE - we find out Katie is pregnant.  Aha, says I.  Still, eww.

So the world waits patiently for the blessed event, and when it comes......nothing.  No pictures, no interviews, nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  A month goes by, and people start to wonder:  was it made up?  A publicity stunt?  Is there a baby at all?  Or is it just really ugly?  Speculation runs amok as paparazzi tries uselessly to catch a shot of the mysterious Suri Cruise.  Months later, Vanity Fair releases the first ever pictures of quite possibly the cutest baby ever born in the history of the world.

The kid's adorable.  It's really almost surreal how cute the child is.  Suri is obviously Tom and Katie's baby, because she is so stinkin' precious and looks like both of them.  So that ends the debates about the validity of Katie's pregnancy, blah blah blah.

Seven months later, TomKat takes the walk down the aisle in Italy.
The hoopla over their wedding is comical.  I've never seen so much media coverage for a celebrity wedding.  Ever.  They release a hundred pictures to magazines, and she's stunning and he's a charming little old midget man and they're just so sweet.....  so everyone says.  Still, it doesn't really make sense to me.

As time goes on, the gorgeous family is photographed everywhere, doing everything.  Taking Suri for ice cream, playing in the park, shopping, taking walks, et cetera.  Every event Tom and Katie go out to, they're hugging or kissing or he has that weird wrist grip on her that he does all the time.

It's like he pulls her everywhere.  Or maybe he's just afraid if he lets go she'll make a break for it...

As the pictures progress, that smile on Katie's face seems to get more and more fake (kind of like Joan River's face). The media starts debating whether or not Katie is really happy with Tom, or has he brainwashed her, is  he forcing her into Scientology....  interviews with her "friends" reveal that Katie is depressed and unhappy.   I lean more towards brainwashed.  Not in the sense that she's not capable of making her own decisions, but more that she got suckered into this whole thing, had a baby, and now she's stuck with him - whether due to morals or faith or reputation, whatever. 

It just seems like every time they're in public, it's all for show.  On her part, at least.  He's just the dork who won the wife lottery. 

My wish is that I could hang out with Katie, just for a few hours, and really have a conversation with her.  Like the conversations celebrities have on Dateline or 60 Minutes where they break down and sob hysterically into the camera about their childhood and all of their problems.  I'd like to know if Katie is really in love with Tom and happy, or if it's all for show. 

Either way, they do make quite a nice Stepford family.


  1. Yes, Tom truly is a weirdo. The Oprah couch thing was just...creepy. It still is creepy, but Suri just gets cuter and cuter.

  2. I completely agree! I think Katie must have been wearing flip flops in that wedding photo, Tom is almost taller than her! Maybe he's standing on an step stool!

  3. I think it is weird how much babies look like both their celebrity parents now-a-days. I believe it is a conspiracy. Like Shiloh Jolie-Pitt...seriously? That child got the best of both of them and that just doesn't happen in real life. I think they are built in labs and put into the mother....

  4. Im with you. I used to like Tom Cruise a lot. I LOVE Jerry Maguire, but then he turned weird. They do have one of the cutest little girls ever though!

  5. I agree 110%, I used to REALLY like Tom Cruise, but now he's just SO weird. And Katie is so stinking cute. I just do not get it.

  6. I'm glad you guys all feel the same way. The other day I mentioned Tom being creepy to my friends and one of them gave me this "go to hell" look. I guess she didn't agree....

  7. Young Tom Cruise was amazing, totally TOTALLY hot.
    Old Tom Cruise is a weirdo, totally TOTALLY weird.

  8. Ahhh I remember the Oprah couch thing--sooooo awkward.

  9. Awesome post! It's so true though .. poor Katie but at least they had the cutest kid EVER!

  10. And now shes filed for divorce....No surprise here. She was unhappy and trapped. Ask her the motivation for filing? Her daughter.