Freebies

Last night hubs and I had a discussion about our freebies - celebrities we're allowed to hook up with if the opportunity ever presents itself.  This topic comes up whenever watching a movie or tv show starring one of our crushes.

We each have a list of hotties we would want to get down 'n dirty with if given the chance.  Mine is longer than his because he's ridiculously picky.  I don't think hubs is really all that concerned about my list because the only celebrities I've actually met in my life were Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding), Delta Burke, LeAnn Rimes, the dude who played Major Dad and various Christian musicians.

Under the Rule of the Freebie (because rules are necessary for something like this), one cannot get angry with spouse for taking advantage of such an opportunity, unless A) spouse is in California stalking object of affection or B) spouse goes looking for said affair - ie: going backstage at a concert /searching out celebrity on movie locations.  Also, the hooking up can only be a one-time thing.  There has to be limitations, after all.

So in the spirit of Hollywood crushes (because we all have at least one), I've decided to share my list with you.  This in no way is in the hopes that one of my listees will someday happen across this post and decide to pay me a visit....heheh.

Mark Harmon (aka Gibbs)

He's no surprise to those of you who regularly read my blog, since I wrote a love letter to him last month.  I adored Mark as carefree teacher Freddy Shoop in Summer School, and I love him now as an older but still incredibly sexy Leroy Jethro Gibbs.  Rawr.

Johnny Depp

I'm pretty sure this former "sexiest man alive" is on nearly every woman's freebie list.  There's something incredibly sexy about a chameleon, and Johnny Depp is one indeed.  Edward Scissorhands, Cry-Baby, Captain Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter, on and on goes the list of personas this brilliant babe has portrayed. 

Patrick Dempsey


Ronald Miller.  Dr. McDreamy.  Andrew Hennings.  Tom Bailey.  He was adorable as a nerd in the 80s (even with the awful dancing), and decades later he's still smokin' hot.  His family man satus just makes him that much more endearing.

Craig Ferguson

I've always considered a sense of humor to be incredibly sexy on a man.  Also sexy is an accent.  Put the two together with good looks and you have funnyman Craig Ferguson of The Late Late Show on CBS.  He's also the king of double entendres, which means more fun at parties. 

Ryan Reynolds

You really need no other explanation than to look at those abs.  Yummy.  However, this hunk is also funny.  Van Wilder showed off his.....uh.....assets, as well as his penchant for comedy.  He's also sarcasticly entertaining in The Proposal. 

As an addendum to my freebie list, I also have a extras list (sort of like honorable mentions).  These are the guys I can make out with, but no more.  Unless they ask nicely.  And we're in a different time zone. 

Colin Farrell

 Joshua Jackson

 Justin Timberlake

 Matthew McConaughey

 Richard Gere

 Zac Efron

MmmHmmm.  Yes indeedy. 

Also, since there are a very few guys who read my stuff, I've also decided to include the hubs' list.  Enjoy.

Ashley Judd

 Kate Beckinsale

 Salma Hayek

 Sandra Bullock

Editor's Note:  For those of you shaking your head and thinking we actually condone extramarital affairs - this whole Freebie thing is really just something we came up with out of boredom and for laughs.  

Accidental Text = Entertainment

Yesterday I was minding my own business, texting friends and playing Frontierville on Facebook (It's a sad addiction. They should have Apps Anonymous for people like me). Suddenly I get one of those texts that let you know it's someone on yahoo messenger or some text app for iPhone. I open the message and it's from a girl who I am quite positive I do not know. We'll call her Jane and the intended recipient Joe. This is the initial message (NOTE: I will be using said girl's exact spelling. This is to help you form an educated opinion.):

Jane: Heeeeeeeeey , Mister Fly ,(:

Now, obviously I am not a man, and no one refers to me as Mister Fly - at least not to my face. I text my buddy Mo. "I know I should tell her she's got a wrong number, but now I'm really curious as to why a male would have the nickname 'Mister Fly.'" His suggestion: play this out. I'm bored, so I figure why not. Here you have our conversation:

Me: Who's mister fly?
Jane: Yuuuu , Rememberrr ?
Me: Refresh my memory.
Jane: Joee ! Yuuuur soo stupiiiiid !
Me: Just humor me. Tell me a story.
Jane: Huh ? Hahahahahahaa .

After that last response I realize she has no idea what the phrase "humor me" means, which implies that she's A) an idiot, or B) someone under the age of 13 (I'm being generous here). Let's continue...

Me: Why do you call me mister fly?
Jane: Nvm !
Me: Please?
Jane: No ,

And since I could NOT stop myself, I said:

Me: Don't you love me anymore?
Jane: Uhmmm , ?

Now I'm thinking that I may have just made things a tad uncomfortable for poor Joe the next time he sees Jane. Oh well. I can't just do this thing halfway.

Me: Come on, Jane.
Jane: Idkkk .
Me: Why not?
Jane: I DUNNO .

About three minutes pass, then

Jane: ohh , yes I do .(:
Me: That's better. Now will you tell me why you call me mister fly?
Jane: Yeah , do yuu lovee mee !?

Okay, I know this is morally wrong. To toy with the emotions of some Hannah Montana-loving, teeny bopper tween is possibly damaging to her emotional stability. However, I have nothing better to do at the moment and my friends are getting a good laugh out of it. Plus I still haven't learned why she calls him Mister Fly. Thus, I continue.

Me: That depends.
Jane: FROG ?
Me: Details please.
Jane MisterFly ;
Me: Well that's not details.
Jane: Uhmmm , idr.

What does "idr" mean? I still haven't found someone who can explain that. "I don't remember" maybe?

Me: Please, Jane! Tell me the story of how I came to be Mister Fly.
Jane: idr , ! i promise .
Me: Well that's disappointing.
Jane: gtg chherr (cheer?) , ttyl (I know that one).

Ah, so the plot thickens. She's a cheerleader. I would say that explains so much, but I have friends who are former cheerleaders, and I love them deeply and would like to keep them as friends. So, her being a cheerleader had no impact whatsoever on my opinion.

Jane disappeared into the night, and I never solved the mystery of Mister Fly. A few friends speculated about the meaning (never zips his fly, sexual references, maybe he's slimy, etc.), but we never came to a solid conclusion.

So, waste of a good half hour. Oh well, at least I was entertained.

On a side note, if you know anyone who actually spells like this, please take them to an English teacher immediately. I beg you. There isn't a cure for stupidity, but together we can find a way.

That's What She Said: An appreciation for the double entendre

I have a dirty mind. It can't be helped. If there is an opportunity for something said to be taken the wrong way, my brain will be one of the first ones there. It's really not my fault, what with years of American Pies, Scary Movies and National Lampoons forced upon me (not to mention the Porky's trilogy from the seventies!). Add to that my accompanying dear old dad to work two weeks a year since age twelve - he worked with 12 men, all of whom were single except for three - and it was inevitable.

Out of all of the possible ways one can be dirty-minded, my absolute favorite is "that's what she said" moments. Maybe I appreciate them more because they can't be planned. It's spur-of-the-moment, quick thinking opportunity. I love it.

Most people think the TWSS phenomenon was started on The Office. Sorry Michael Scott fans, but it was first coined during the filming of a Hitchcock film. Originally "as the girl said to the soldier" or "said the actress to the bishop," the phrase changed over time to today's fad. TWSS made mainstream appearance again in the Wayne's World films. The use of the phrase died out in pop culture until the creation of The Office.

As a fun little treat for you, I've decided to post some of the best "that's what she said" lines I've seen in tv shows and movies, as well as instances that have happened to myself and friends.

1. "The smell doesn't really bother me, it still tastes good."
2. "Just stick it in the back if there's room."
3. "Oh man, you got me right in the face."
4. "The last time I went down there I couldn't find it."
5. "Just put it anywhere you want."
6. "Man, my knees hurt really bad!"
7. "Are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding this."
8. "You're doing it wrong!"
9. "Wait for me!"
10. "Okay, just sit on it for a day and see what happens."
11. "It's stuck!"
12. "You might have to take it out and put it back in again."
13. "Do you have a big one?"
14. "It burns!"
15. "Come again?"


On a side note, let me just say that if you happen to experience a "that's what she said" moment in front of your grandmother - no matter how good it is - do not say it. You don't want to waste an hour of your life trying to explain it to someone who just will not get it. Trust me, I've tried.