Literary Lovin'

I woke up this morning, fixed a cup of coffee and logged into my various internet accounts:  Hotmail, Blogger, Facebook, 20sb.  A new photo album published on Facebook by a young girl from my church caught my attention, so I browsed through the pics, then took a look at her profile.  As I read the lists of favorite movies, books, music, etc., I was appalled.  When did Twilight become the absolute favorite book (series), and all other literary classics (ie: gold) become necessary evils of school reading lists?

(Editor's Note:  I do, in fact, own the Twilight Saga, and have read it numerous times.  That doesn't make it my favorite.)

It's disappointing that kids have no desire to read wonderful pieces of literary art anymore.  When I was a teen, I read classics over and over again, astounded at how an author described the characters in such a way that I developed an image of them in my head.  The stories unfolded like a movie in my mind, and I cherished them all.  Now you can only get a kid to read F. Scott Fitzgerald if their English grade is dependent upon it.

Shameful.

So, in my own form of protest, I've decided to list my ten favorite novels of all time in the hopes that young people will be inspired to go to the library or bookstore and read something other than Harry Potter or Twilight.

NOTE:  I'm not including The Bible in this list, because - in my opinion - everyone should own a Bible and read it often.  

Also, you won't find The Hobbit, 1984, Animal Farm or Of Mice and Men on this list, because although they're considered classics, I hated them.  Every stinkin' page. 

So, here we go....

10. Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

The book that inspired the movie that started the original vampire craze. No lovey-dovey vampire/human relationships in this book.   

  

9. The Hot Zone by Richard Preston

A true story about the incurable Ebola virus.   Stephen King himself described it as "one of the most horrifying things I've ever read." The film "Outbreak" was loosely based on this book.

8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Battles of wit between independent Elizabeth Bennet and the charmingly cocky Mr. Darcy.  A lovely literary classic, entertaining from start to finish.

7. Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

Multiple personality disorders, a secret society and extremist organization run amuck in this awesome book later turned into a film starring Brad Pitt and Ed Norton.

6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

A story about sisters, feminism, individuality, hardships, love and family.

5. The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer

A collection of short stories - all entertaining.  The movie "A Knight's Tale" is based on one of the stories and two other characters.

 

4. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis 

Investment banker by day.  Raping, murdering obssessive-compulsive 80s music buff by night.

Also inspired a movie starring Christian Bale.

3. A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice

The first novel by Anne Rice's son, a gripping and dark look into the lives of four childhood friends torn apart - and eventually brought back together - by alcohol, sex, homosexuality and tragedy. 

2. The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory

Excellently written story of Mary Boleyn, lover of King Henry VII, and the competition with her sister Anne.  Not completely historically accurate, but still a wonderful read. (Also much better than the movie, as usual.) 

1. The Great Gatsbyby F. Scott Fitzgerald

Bachelor Nick rents a home between two mansions, and after observing the aristocrats inside, becomes wrapped up in a world of unrequited love, mysteries and murder.  The Great Gatsby is considered by many to be a fictional examination of the "American Dream" (the 1920s version, that is).

One of the best books ever written, and my personal favorite. 

For need of sharing, I've also included a few "honorable mentions" for you guys:

That's all, folks.  Now go to your library, check a few of these out and enjoy!

Movie Delight Monday

Yes sirree, it's that time again.  Monday.  Ugh.

Starting a new week, lugging along, just waiting for Wednesday - because we all know once you reach Hump Day the rest is easy peasy. 

In accordance to the previous declaration of a heretofore mentioned appointment of assigned days of blogging (you can be impressed, it's okay), today has been deemed

MOVIE DELIGHT MONDAY.

Just makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?

So, today I present to you one of my favorite 90s movies:

Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep and Bruce Willis star in this delightfully dark comedy about frenemies and the man they both loved. 

Helen Sharp is a smart, plain-Jane woman, who brings dorky fiance' Dr. Ernest Menville to meet her best friend Madeline Ashton, a blonde singer/actress.  Madeline woos Ernest away from Helen, and Helen turns into a fat,  icing-eating slob with dozens of cats.  Obsessed with revenge, Helen makes some changes...

Years later Madeline and Ernest, stuck in a loveless relationship, are reunited with the new-and-improved Helen. An affair, murder plots and hilarity ensue.

Bruce Willis is wonderfully dense as Dr. Menville, and Streep and Hawn are entertaining to say the least.  This film had great special effects for early 90s production, and director Robert Zemeckis did an excellent job.   

NOTE TO PARENTS:  There are boobies shown in this film, and adult humor throughout.

The Wedding Singer....and all that jazz

Last night myself and three girlfriends went to see the musical "The Wedding Singer" (based on the Adam Sandler movie) at Le Petit Theatre in New Orleans.  It was my first time seeing a musical that wasn't a high school or university production. 

Le Petit Theatre

The evening started out with the four of us beyond excited - not only to be seeing the musical, but to be having a girls' night out.  Three of us have children, and the fourth runs a daycare, so it was like a vacation to be away from the kids (and the men) for the night. 

We drove to Metairie - which, if you're like me, is the same as New Orleans (I consider everything south of Lake Pontchartrain New Orleans) - and had dinner at Mexican restaurant Chevy's. Yum.   After that we made our way to the French Quarter, where Le Petit Theatre is located.   We spent about thirty minutes trying to find parking, and ended up almost missing the beginning of the show.  Luckily we made it just in time.

Le Petit Theatre is a charming little place that sits near the famed St. Louis Cathedral in Jackson Square. 

St. Louis Cathedral

The Cathedral is one of my most favorite buildings to look at, so I had to include a picture of it for you.  I could stand out in the square and just admire it all day.  It's especially beautiful right as the sun is setting, and the sky above is varied colors of red, orange and purple.  Amazing.

But anyhoo, back to the theatre.

The full name of the theatre is Le Petit Theatre du Vieux Carre, and it was founded in 1917.  It is currently in its 94th season of productions, making it the oldest continuously operating community theatre in the nation.  Pretty impressive, huh?

When you first walk into the building, a massive - and beautiful - chandelier grabs your attention.  The lobby is decorated in a way that is somehow both current and reflective of its history. Then you head up the creaking staircase, and onto the balcony to be seated....

The theatre was much smaller than I anticipated, but it's not bothersome because you just feel a sense of intimacy about the room.  Someone commented that no matter where you sit - floor or balcony - you have a great view of the stage, and I believe it.  Our seats were excellent.  Second row, center. 

A glance around the theater showed signs of how very old it is.  The vents in the ceiling are stained with black, and pieces of the ceiling are crumbling or missing.  Everything about the place screams old, but it's so absolutely charming that the age just makes it that much better. 

The actors were fabulous, especially characters Robbie (lead), George (cross-dressing friend) and an unnamed black man who at one point wore a strapless silver dress and stilettos - and DANCED in them!  I was impressed. 

It was wonderful. Every song, dance, costume change, set change. All of it was utterly fabulous. I know I must have grinned throughout the entire two and a half hour show, because my face still hurts this morning.


I wasn't expecting to laugh nearly as much, and I certainly didn't expect so much of my amusement to be a result of nearby audience members.  There was a yuppy group, of which "mom" didn't realize that George was a man until about halfway through the show, then wanted to know "why is that man wearing girl clothes, and why is he dancing with the black man?"  To which her son replied, "Mom, they're gay."  "Oh," was her reply.  (Note:  George was obviously a man, and very obviously gay.)

All in all, the entire night was wonderful, and us girls decided to make a tradition out of it.  Every other month or so we will go to dinner and a theatre production.  We've already planned the next outing:  "Hairspray" will be playing at Le Petit in September.  I can't wait!

Face Punch

Happy Saturday, people.  Did you sleep in this morning?

 I did.  It was everything I'd hoped it would be. 

Even though I had coffee this morning and am in a pretty great mood, today still feels like a face punch day. 

I figure you can punch faces and still be chipper.  Not to mention that if I were actually able to punch these people in the face, I'd find myself in an even more cheery mood afterward. 

So, in that spirit, here we go....

KANYE WEST

I know I'm going to have to get in line for this one, but this guy just grates my nerves.   

My first problem with you, Kanye, is that 99% of the time you look like an imbecile.  I know you think you're making fashion statements, but in reality you just look stupid.

My second problem is you thinking that just because you've made money as a singer, that means you're wise and we should all just do what you say, no questions asked.  The biggest example of this is the Taylor Swift fiasco that happened last year, although that wasn't the first time (and most likely not the last) you've made an ass out of yourself in public.  

The last and most important problem - to me, anyway - is that I don't like you.  I don't like your face, your voice, your music, any of it.  You are just a passing phase, and I'm hoping it will fade out quickly. 

LINDSAY LOHAN

I think at this point, you deserving a face punch is the general consensus.

You have had everything - and I mean everything  - handed to you on a silver platter since you were, what, twelve?  Fame, fortune, fans, and every other "f" word associated with being a celebrity.

Then you go and turn stupid.  Drunk driving, drug use, basic downward spiral.  Crash and burn.  It would be quite sad if you weren't so annoying.   You look like an Aerosmith roadie.  Wash your hair.  Put on some clothes that fit.  Maybe eat something once or twice a week. 

Of course, you'll have to make these adjustments after serving time in county lockup.  Maybe a big scary jailmate will face punch you and save me the trouble...

MEL GIBSON

Okay Mel, I've always been a fan of yours.  Loved you in Braveheart, What Women Want, Forever Young,  the Lethal Weapon movies, The Patriot, etc.  So many movies, so many years. 

Then you go and RUIN your reputation by going on racist rants - not once, but twice (that we know of) - in recent years.  What's the deal, Mel?  We all have prejudices, but we don't get drunk and ramble on about them when there's a camera present. Other than The Hoff, that is...

I just have to ask:  are you stupid?  I'm starting to think yes.  Well, we're past thinking.  I know you're stupid.  You've made me lose respect for you, and as such, you deserve a massive face punch. 

BP

You are a major disappointment.  Huge.  Monumental.  Massive.  FAIL. 

Obviously I can't say I want to face punch Mr. President, because then I'd have the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security and MSNBC tracking my blog, waiting for me to make verbal threats and discussing my ability (JUST KIDDING ) to turn household products into items that go boom.  So we'll just say tsk tsk to you, Obama.

As for you, you money-crazed, life-killing, coast-destroying, seafood ruining people:

GARGANTUAN FACE PUNCH.

There, now I feel better.

Fantabulous Friday

That's right, baby.  It's FRIDAY (chicka chicka yeah)  yet again.  I'm psyched.  Are you?

Of course you are. 

My weekend plans are already fantabulous - despite a potential hurricane - and, as such, today is fantabulous. Expectation can be such a mood booster. 

So today (and every Friday, as per last week's post) I will present you with some of what I consider the most FANTABULOUS things/people/foods/places in the world. 

Are you ready for this? 

Here we go.

1.  Friends reruns

This particular episode depicted in the picture is one of my favorite episodes of Friends.  Ever. (The one with the embryos)

It doesn't matter how many times I've seen Ross, Rachel and Joey moving the couch up the stairs with Ross screaming, "Pivot! Pivot! PIVOT!"  I still laugh hysterically.  I've seen the series all the way through at least four times, not counting the hundreds of episodes I've watched on TBS (very funny).

Friends is also great therapy when you're having a bad day (or week).  It's hard to not be in a good mood after watching a few episodes.
 
Now that I've mentioned Friends,  I may have to blog about my favorite episodes sometime soon..... (Note to self.)

2. Pad Thai

 If you've never tried Thai food (or if you have and found it too spicy) I insist you try Pad Thai.  I was iffy about even going to a Thai restaurant, but last summer my bestie insisted I didn't know what I was missing.    Well, since my motto is to try everything once, I had no choice.  Mo recommended the chicken pad thai.  I took one bite, and it was magical.  The sky opened up and light shone down from Heaven.  Angels began to sing softly while little butterflies and fairies flew around sprinkling glitter on my head. 

Okay, maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but close.  I ended up going back again the next day. 

You can also buy the make-your-own boxes of it at grocery stores.  All you need to add is an egg, bean sprouts and the meat of your choice.  It's not too spicy, but still has the Thai flavor to it.  I could live on this stuff alone.  It's delicious.  Nay, it's FANTABULOUS.

3. Michael J. Fox

I started thinking about this eternal optimist yesterday after (finally) watching Teen Wolf for the first time - thanks Sara for recommending it - and how incredibly awesome this dude is. 

Of course, he's cool because he's been Marty McFly, Alex Keaton, Dr. Benjamin Stone (in Doc Hollywood, one of my favorite MJF movies) and even Stuart Little -the voice, not the mouse.

What makes him fantabulous is the way he's dealt with Parkinson's disease.  He's been determined to continue working, as well as raise awareness and money for research on his illness (See his Foundation for Parkinson's Research website here.)  He's got the warmest personality, and even if you've never met him, to watch him on television or in movies is to feel like you know him. 

Right on, Scott Howard.  Right on. 


4..  Demotivational Posters

From sarcastic to raunchy (and even sometimes really offensive), these pictures can keep you entertained for a good hour.  Even longer if you're at work.

I wish there was an iPhone app for these things.  (Maybe there is....I should get on that ASAP.)

If you get bored, search "demotivational posters" on Google. The best I've seen are "mooseknuckle" and anything related to Chuck Norris, emo or ugly.  Please check it out.  You won't be sorry!



I couldn't come up with more today because.....well, honestly, do you people think I have nothing better to do than write blogs? 

Okay, so usually I don't have anything better to do.  Tomorrow is an exception, though - going to see The Wedding Singer musical with three FANTABULOUS girlfriends of mine! - and I'm way too excited to think about much else.  You'll forgive me later, I know you will.  At least I hope so.  If not, I can always buy presents...

If E.T. shows up, we'll be ready. Well, not really...

While perusing MSN this morning, a headline caught my attention: 

"How prepared are we for an alien invasion?"

Really?  On MSNBC, this is considered a top story.  Of course I just had to read the article.

So here's the dealio:

Chinese government is looking into unidentified flying objects that interrupted 18 flights last week.  Obviously, it had to be aliens.

Because of this incident, the writer thought of a question he deemed brilliant (cough -crazy person- cough).  His question:  Do we have an alien-contact contingency plan?

I know, I laughed too. 

First, who comes up with a name like that for a plan?  I'd call it "ET texting plan" or "Alien conversation plan."  (Okay, maybe those aren't the best names, but it's early and I've only had one cup of coffee.  Give me a break.)

According to our conspiracy theorist dependable news source, the U.S. Government actually has a plan in the event of alien contact.  I'm just going to quote the article here, because I couldn't write a summary any funnier than it already is:

"The protocol, adopted in 1989, is that if someone detects a radio signal seemingly indicating that we're not alone, he should get in touch with SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) researchers, who will help him verify whether the signal is really and truly evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. At that point, he should notify the International Astronomical Union as well as the United Nations and relevant research organizations. On the finders-keepers principle, the discoverer would get to make the first public announcement, but data should be made available to the international scientific community. (Source coordinates, however, would be kept secret, to avoid a situation in which anyone with a radio telescope could start up a conversation.) The next step would be figuring out whether a response signal were warranted and, if so, what message to send—a process that would involve not just scientists but other experts and government appointees. Probably something very simple would be best, like numbers in binary code."


Finders-keepers principle?   Man, I love our government. 

Add a clip from a television show and a quote from Stephen Hawking, and our writer is convinced that if we ever actually do encounter aliens, it will be the prelude to a war that we will effectively lose.  Hurrah. 

Although he did use the term "guerilla warfare," so I have to give at least a little street cred. 

I say if aliens ever show up, we just call Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum and Bill Pullman in to handle it. 

"Now that's what I call a close encounter." 

Abnormal News Day

I read regular news every day, and it's just entirely too depressing. Natural disasters, economic depression, murder, war, blahbety blah.

Sheesh.

Makes you seriously consider want to lock your doors and just stay inside. As long as you have satellite television, a cell phone and internet access, anyway.

And, of course, Doritos and sour cream.*

Which I do.

Thankfully, MSNBC provides a "Weird News" section to their website, and it has become my favorite news source. This giant corporation actually pays people to travel the world, searching for 911-dialing dogs, two-headed animals and really hairy men. It's fantabulous, really.

So, this morning as I was reviewing the weird news of the world, it was brought to my attention - via the large print and slide-show preview to the right of the page - that MSN actually does Weird Science Awards. No. Freaking. Way.

Well, of course I have to share my discovery with you. (I won't show all award-winners here, but check the link at the bottom of this post and it will direct you to MSNBC's page.) Off we go...

BREAKING NEWS:
In a German zoological vote, it has been deemed acceptable for homosexual penguins to adopt and raise babies.


Not really. You did make one of those WHAT?! faces after reading that though, didn't you?


Story goes like this: momma penguin hatches egg but wants to focus on her career and daddy penguin is a dead-beat, so they abandon baby penguin. Concerned for the fetus, zookeepers take a chance and place egg in cage of a known gay penguin couple.

That's right, folks. Gay penguin couple.


And how do they know said penguins are Boy George-ing it? Well apparently the boys were caught trying to mate. Naughty, naughty.


As was hoped, the happy couple incubated the egg for a month, then proceeded to care for the newborn penguin after it hatched.


(I'm not making this stuff up. Well, maybe the part about mom penguin and dad penguin, but the rest is true.)

Apparently scientists have found a way to grow bunny....ahem....parts. (Yes, the x-ray picture above is, in fact, a hare's one-eyed monster.)

I was a tad confused by this one, because 1) aren't there already enough reproducing rabbits in the world? and 2) can't a few competent males handle the existence of baby bunnies everywhere? I mean, the phrase "hump like rabbits" must have had some literal reference.

Either way, cheers to you, Bugs Bunny. Getcha some.

Researchers in Nevada discovered a blob (no, not the Blob. I just wanted to use that picture) of substance-dripping rock just hanging out about 50 miles beneath the surface. It's supposedly 60 miles wide, but scientists aren't concerned with it busting through the ground and taking over Las Vegas. At least, that's what they want us to think....

After decades of believing da Vinci's muse Mona Lisa to be a shy and somewhat unwilling model, a new discovery has us reconsidering. It looks like miss Mona was actually a foxy little thing. Supposedly hidden for almost a century within the walls of a library, the above painting shows a topless model bearing striking resemblance to the famed painted lady.

If these piqued your interest, be sure to check out the 69ing bats, glow-in-the-dark puppies and other abnormalities at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34712701/ns/technology_and_science-science

*If you've never tried Doritos and sour cream, I suggest you stop reading immediately, get in your car, drive to the nearest store, buy some and try it. It will ROCK.YOUR.WORLD.

Eeeek! (The tale of the rebel rodent)

It all started on a humid Louisiana evening. 

A man and woman were sitting together in the den, watching movies and chatting about the events of their day.  The children were playing in their bedroom, giggling and squealing with delight at their toys and imaginations.  Nothing could have prepared them for what was about to take place....

Suddenly, and without warning -as these things usually happen - the husband saw movement out of the corner of his eye.  He turned his head swiftly in the direction of the motion, but saw nothing. 

"Did you see that?" he asked his wife as he stared towards the kitchen.  She paid him little mind; he often imagined things.  "It was probably nothing," she replied, then turned her attention back to the television.  After a moment he shrugged, thinking maybe he'd imagined it after all.   He started to watch the movie again, but another sudden movement had him glancing back to the kitchen, and he saw it.....

Terrifying.  Awful.  Evil.

"It's a mouse!" The man jumped up and pointed.  Immediately he had his wife's attention. She leaned over, peering into the kitchen, waiting to see the horrible creature. 

They waited......and waited.   Right as she was about to give up, there it was!

She saw it.  The round ears.  The long, thin tail.  The dark, tiny nose. 

"Kill it!" she screamed, and her husband jumped up bravely, prepared to defend his wife and children from the terrible menace that had invaded their home. 

Unfortunately for him, mice are small and extremely fast.  The mouse scurried under the oven, and has yet to be seen or heard from again.  Still, the husband keeps vigilant watch, waiting for the day when he will come face to face with the intruder, and end this once and for all...

True story.

Love Letter to Gibbs

Dear Mark,

First, can I call you Gibbs? I'm sure you don't mind. So I'll start again.

Dear Gibbs (ahhh),

It all started many years ago. I was a very young girl the first time I saw you. I turned the television to HBO - back when it came free with cable - and a movie called "Summer School" was on.



There you were: handsome, charming and funny as you dealt with misfit kids and chased after Kirstie Alley. Not only did you have a rockin' bachelor's pad on the beach, you had a dog, too. All it took was one of those heart-stopping grins and I was smitten kitten.

Yes, I said smitten kitten.

You made appearances here and there, on shows and in films. I was happy to see you on St. Elsewhere as Dr. Bobby Caldwell for a few years, but then you got HIV from whoring around - it's okay, I forgive you - and eventually died.



After that I stalked you via magazine - hello People's Sexiest Man Alive 1986 - and television. I watched you portray a serial killer and Cybill Shepherd's love interest (why would you do something like that?!). Then, thankfully, you returned to the medical field a la Chicago Hope.



Thank you Jesus for scrubs. YUM.

Ahem.

Anyhoo, I didn't see you for a few years, and I must admit I wasn't terribly distraught - what with college, boys and work to keep me busy. I confess my attentions did meander a bit to the likes of Justin Timberlake, Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Reynolds and Johnny Depp. Before you get upset, let me reassure you that the feelings I felt for them didn't even remotely compare to the love and affection I feel for you. I moved on, but never forgot you...

Then, one day out of the blue, there you were:





Leroy. Jethro. Gibbs. In all of your gray - ie: SEXY - hair and gorgeous glory. CBS gave me the best present ever and made you the main man of NCIS. Not only that, but you're a single man. Sure, you'll hook up with a red-headed chick here and there, but nothing serious. I'm all for the casual roll in the hay, just as long as I don't have to see it.

I see you week after week, solving murders and whacking those crazy kids DiNozzo and McGee in the back of the head. On a rare occasion you'll give that million dollar mega-watt smile and my heart will melt all over again.

I know our love will never be more than just admiration from afar, although I have told my husband repeatedly that if the opportunity ever presented itself, I'd drop him in a heartbeat to be with you. He's cool with it.

So with all of that being said, I shall end this letter with a promise. Keep being Gibbs, and I'll keep being your creepy, way younger but still smitten kitten - yes, I said it again - fan,

Jess

Fantabulous Friday! (Chicka chicka yeah)

That's right, people.  It's FRIDAY.  Woop woop.  Time to hang out with our thang out.

Just kidding.

I love Fridays, not because they're a prelude to my most favorite day, and not because they signify the end of the work week.

No?  Then why do I love Fridays, you ask?

Well,  I love Fridays because on this day, the second-best day of the week, I will share with you a few people/places/foods/things that make my list of the MOST FANTABULOUS in the world.  Well, my world at least.


1. CHEESY MAC

Some of you may be thinking "Cheesy mac?  How is that fantabulous?" Just to prove my point, I've listed a few reasons:
1.  It's cheesy - which in and of itself is awesome.
2.  It's the best broke food there is.  Trust me, I'm poor.  I've had a LOT of broke food.
3.  Where else can you find pouches of cheese powder?  Not that I condone any use of the cheesy   
     powder not specified on the box...
4.  Honestly, who doesn't like saying "cheesy mac"?  Nobody. 

I rest my case.


2.  JOHNNY DEPP

That's right, ladies (and some men).  Look at him.  You know you want to.  Whether he's Gilbert Grape, Raoul Duke, Ichabod Crane, Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter or Edward Scissorhands, it makes no difference.  He's too sexy for his shirt.  Yes indeedy.  One of the most FANTABULOUS men to ever walk the planet. 


3. DVR

If it weren't for this baby, think of all the mindless hours I'd miss sitting in front of the tube.  Besides, it rectifies the mistakes of the two idiots who put my beloved Gibbs on at the same time as American Idol.  Now I can drool over Gibbs for an hour, then go back in time and watch Randy Jackson say "it was a little pitchy, dawg" for an hour.  Not to mention the bajillion episodes of Ace of Cake that come on every single day. It's a win-win situation.  Correction - it's a FANTABULOUS situation.  (You liked that one, didn't you?)

4. BETTY WHITE

Not only was she hilarious as Rose on The Golden Girls for nearly a decade, but she rocked as Ryan Reynold's G-maw in The Proposal and was EPIC on Saturday Night Live a few months ago.  This chick is the epitome of fantabulous.

That's all for today, kids.   

Peace out!

Face Punch

I'm in a particularly grumpy mood today because I woke up to discover that there is absolutely no coffee in my house. None.

Ain't it grand?

In honor of this terrible day - and my stellar mood - I've decided to give a rundown of people I'd like to punch in the face, if given the opportunity. Not people I actually know, because then I'd be forced into confrontations, and who wants to do that with no coffee?





First up:

Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, aka Creepy Angelina Jolie look-alike.  Somewhat.  If she had her head turned a certain way.  And the lights were off. 

Having a ridiculous amount of children is one thing; doing it to be a celebrity is another.  You, Octomom, would get a giant punch in the face.


Next we have:

 Speidi.   The biggest paparazzi whores that ever were.   These attention-seeking divas fake break-ups and make ups just to get their names back in the Hollywood gossip columns.  He's an ass clown and she's mostly plastic now, and I hate them both. 
*ass clown : a prick, who is also a jackass (just in case you didn't know)

And then there was:

Borat.  I know to the majority of the world he's this hilarious personality, but I can't stand him.  Hate the accent, hate the dialogue, hate everything about him.  I also hate Sacha Cohen's other alter-ego, Bruno. (Although I did get a kick out of him landing in Eminem's face last year. That was pretty funny.)

Followed by:

 Justin Bieber.  First, CUT YOUR HAIR.  You look stupid.  Second, what's with the peace signs in every other photo?  You're not cool enough to pull it off.  The only people cool enough to pull off repeated peace signs are Quentin Tarantino and the late Michael Jackson. So stop it, already.  Third, you're what, twelve?  Stop singing about heartbreak and being so in love with a girl.  You don't know what love is.  You probably haven't even hit puberty yet.  P.S. When you finally do, that whiny girl voice of yours will disappear.  MUAH HAHAHAHAHAHA.  So, tiny face slap to you because I don't want to go to jail.

I guess I'm finally running out of steam, or maybe all of the pretend face-punching is therapeutic.  Either way, I'll punch no more faces today.

Unless the chick at Starbucks gets my white chocolate mocha cappuccino wrong... 

Guilty Pleasure Confessions....OR Reasons I'll lose all of my followers

Yes, ladies and gents, it's time for a little soul-searching, deep, dark secret-telling slumber party discussion. Let's talk about guilty pleasures. Obviously I have to go first, but you have to promise you won't tell my mom.

Pinky swear?

Okay. Let's do this.


There are some things I take a great deal of pleasure in, and of course the most pleasurable things are the ones you can't share with others. If you did, they'd know you were cheesy, a nerd, a whore, et cetera. However, I think it's healthy to admit such things to our friends. If we can't share our love of Justin Bieber (not really), then what good is our friendship? Besides, having to keep it secret just makes it that much better, right?

NOTE: If you have an affection for cross-dressing prostitutes, animal sex, Martha Stewart and/or necrophilia, this is not the time to divulge. Sorry. Tell your therapist about it on Friday.


First up:

That's right, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No I do not have a lesbian crush on them. Well, maybe a little one. I do love their movies though. Every single coming-of-age, teen crush, feel good movie they've made. Love 'em all. My favorite is Winning London.



Moving on...


Playing dress-up Barbie with my daughters.

I know this isn't that big of a deal, a lot of women play dress up with their daughters. My secret is that I persuade my daughters to play with their barbies so I will have the excuse to play too. Did the same thing with my little sisters before they grew out of the doll phase.



Un-following me yet? No? Let's continue...


N'Sync. I love them, even still. I remember the first time I ever saw Justin Timberlake and company. They sang "I Want You Back" on an episode of TRL. I took one look at that curly blonde hair and those beautiful eyes and declared to my sister, "I'm going to marry him!" (Hey, give me a break; I was 13.) I bought every magazine with their picture in it, bought the N'Sync VHS of them in concert and watched it until it stopped playing altogether. I entered every N'Sync-related contest - I even won once; the prize was a heart-shaped cd that played three versions of "Tearin' Up My Heart" AND an autographed picture of them. (You're jealous as hell right now, aren't you?) I even saw them in concert.

All these years later, I'll be driving down the road and get an urge to belt out the group's pop songs at the top of my lungs. Even with untinted windows, you ask? You betcha.




Now I'm starting to worry that I'll wake up tomorrow and have zero followers again, so I'll share one more, but that's it...



Secret Life of the American Teenager and Make it or Break It

This is one of the hardest guilty pleasures for me to admit. I always feel guilty - literally - for watching it, like God would be disappointed in my wasting entire hours of my life on these whiny, bitchy, premarital-sex-having kids. Half of the time I'm yelling at the television because some of the characters are so idiotic or slutty. Regardless, every week I tune in to watch teenage angst as portrayed by beautiful, pimple-free kids.


With the above confessions now made public for all the world to see, I would feel SO much better if some of you - my loyal followers - would share a guilty pleasure or two, forever uniting us in the bonds of embarrassment.

Anyone? Anyone?

Accidental Text = Entertainment

Yesterday I was minding my own business, texting friends and playing Frontierville on Facebook (It's a sad addiction. They should have Apps Anonymous for people like me). Suddenly I get one of those texts that let you know it's someone on yahoo messenger or some text app for iPhone. I open the message and it's from a girl who I am quite positive I do not know. We'll call her Jane and the intended recipient Joe. This is the initial message (NOTE: I will be using said girl's exact spelling. This is to help you form an educated opinion.):

Jane: Heeeeeeeeey , Mister Fly ,(:

Now, obviously I am not a man, and no one refers to me as Mister Fly - at least not to my face. I text my buddy Mo. "I know I should tell her she's got a wrong number, but now I'm really curious as to why a male would have the nickname 'Mister Fly.'" His suggestion: play this out. I'm bored, so I figure why not. Here you have our conversation:

Me: Who's mister fly?
Jane: Yuuuu , Rememberrr ?
Me: Refresh my memory.
Jane: Joee ! Yuuuur soo stupiiiiid !
Me: Just humor me. Tell me a story.
Jane: Huh ? Hahahahahahaa .

After that last response I realize she has no idea what the phrase "humor me" means, which implies that she's A) an idiot, or B) someone under the age of 13 (I'm being generous here). Let's continue...

Me: Why do you call me mister fly?
Jane: Nvm !
Me: Please?
Jane: No ,

And since I could NOT stop myself, I said:

Me: Don't you love me anymore?
Jane: Uhmmm , ?

Now I'm thinking that I may have just made things a tad uncomfortable for poor Joe the next time he sees Jane. Oh well. I can't just do this thing halfway.

Me: Come on, Jane.
Jane: Idkkk .
Me: Why not?
Jane: I DUNNO .

About three minutes pass, then

Jane: ohh , yes I do .(:
Me: That's better. Now will you tell me why you call me mister fly?
Jane: Yeah , do yuu lovee mee !?

Okay, I know this is morally wrong. To toy with the emotions of some Hannah Montana-loving, teeny bopper tween is possibly damaging to her emotional stability. However, I have nothing better to do at the moment and my friends are getting a good laugh out of it. Plus I still haven't learned why she calls him Mister Fly. Thus, I continue.

Me: That depends.
Jane: FROG ?
Me: Details please.
Jane MisterFly ;
Me: Well that's not details.
Jane: Uhmmm , idr.

What does "idr" mean? I still haven't found someone who can explain that. "I don't remember" maybe?

Me: Please, Jane! Tell me the story of how I came to be Mister Fly.
Jane: idr , ! i promise .
Me: Well that's disappointing.
Jane: gtg chherr (cheer?) , ttyl (I know that one).

Ah, so the plot thickens. She's a cheerleader. I would say that explains so much, but I have friends who are former cheerleaders, and I love them deeply and would like to keep them as friends. So, her being a cheerleader had no impact whatsoever on my opinion.

Jane disappeared into the night, and I never solved the mystery of Mister Fly. A few friends speculated about the meaning (never zips his fly, sexual references, maybe he's slimy, etc.), but we never came to a solid conclusion.

So, waste of a good half hour. Oh well, at least I was entertained.

On a side note, if you know anyone who actually spells like this, please take them to an English teacher immediately. I beg you. There isn't a cure for stupidity, but together we can find a way.

Movie Delight Monday!

In lieu of offering some frail attempt at excitement about this most despised of days, I will simply say

'Sup, y'all?

So here's the dealio:

I realized this morning that I've posted at least once a day for the past SIXTEEN DAYS. Shocking, I know. In the hopes of continuing this impressive (to me, at least) trend, I decided that maybe I'll be less likely to run out of blog topics if I have some recurring themes. Mondays are always the bane of my existence, and as such my corresponding mood causes for blogger's block. Hence, MOVIE DELIGHT MONDAYS.

You don't have to say it, I know it's brilliant.

This is how it's going to work: every Monday will be dedicated to reviewing movies that are from before 2000. I will cover movies that I feel are under-appreciated for whatever reasons and try to convince you wonderful people to see it ASAP. I encourage you to comment on the movies - whether you love them, hate them, have never seen them - but also to recommend some of your favorite movies from yesteryear that you think are worth sharing. Sound good? Good. So here we go with our first ever MOVIE DELIGHT MONDAY review....




Once Bitten

We all know the 80s affection for vampires, werewolves and all things mythical were on the side of cheese, but that's okay because we loved it. This 1985 teen sex movie was poorly written, and director Howard Storm obviously needed firing, but it's an opportunity to see a young, not-yet-famous Jim Carrey in action.

Young Mark Kendal is frustrated with his frigid girlfriend Robin because she won't put out (ah, teenage love). A night on the town finds our embarrassingly virginal Mark in a tempting situation with a (much) older but still smokin' Lauren Hutton. Add liquor to bad decisions, and you have yourself a teenage vampire.

Hilarity ensues as old lady vamp stalks new teen vamp all over town in effort to save herself from turning into really old lady vamp. Meanwhile, wholesome girlfriend can't figure out why boyfriend is suddenly so distracted, pale and has no reflection.

Despite the obvious problems with this film, Carrey is endearing and fun to watch. Supporting actor Cleavon Little offers a great deal of comic relief as well, so pay attention to his innuendos and facial expressions in his many short scenes.